You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn." — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist." — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest). — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
