President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You'll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
