“Large metal objects moving at high speeds have such an impact on me that I just get paralyzed. Honk if you’re horny,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m always amazed that my twin has the same birthday as me, and that he doesn’t exist. I wonder if I exist?” — Jarod Kintz Twin Copy Share Image
“Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.” — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“I may give up on life one day, but that doesn’t mean my clones will just roll over and die. There are… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Science, where would scientists be without it? They’d probably still be in my basement, where I left them a few minutes ago.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail,… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I can’t tell you how much I love @Gatorade. Wait, I’m sorry. I always get Gatorade and Windex mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll beat you with a ladder, so in my defense I can say, “I didn’t hit him! Look at those bruises. They… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to invent a portable sink. It won’t be small, but it will be the size and shape of a car.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s times like these, in the middle of the night, that I wonder about the wisdom of nicknaming Florida “The Sunshine State.” — Jarod Kintz Florida Copy Share Image
“I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“Give me 10 pins and a hardwood lane, and I’ll bowl. Just as long as that bowl is full of spaghetti. I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had amber-colored eyes. Or maybe they were blue, and I was confusing their color with her name, which was Amber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A brick could be analyzed in the lab, broken down into olfactory components, and repackaged as an air freshener that promises that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To forgive is Godly. To begrudge is manly. I don’t even have any chest hair, so you know where I stand.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“The two lovers were inseparable. Well, I guess death could split them up. So could Ryan Gosling, because she has a thing… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.” — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“Is my conversation putting you to sleep, or is the rufie I slipped in your dog food finally starting to kick in?” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I thought I did, but I guess I didn’t. But I did think I did, and it’s the thought that counts, right?” — Jarod Kintz Thinking Copy Share Image
“When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing… — Jarod Kintz European Copy Share Image
“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“Keep your eyes open, especially if you’re wearing a blindfold while driving. Closing your eyes in that situation could be dangerous.” — Jarod Kintz Blindfold Copy Share Image
“She had two leaves for feat. Maple, I think. She was flat-footed and always ready to leave. That’s why I tried to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more… — Jarod Kintz Tire Copy Share Image
“I had a Chinese girlfriend once who asked me how much she meant to me. I knew very little Chinese, so I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a four-time Pulitzer Prize winning admirer. I’m also a 16-time Olympic medalist observer (I saw Michael Phelps on TV).” — Jarod Kintz Olympics Copy Share Image
“I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I’m more developed, and my writing often takes up whole bumpers.… — Jarod Kintz Bumper sticker Copy Share Image
