“Someone, probably Orafoura, once asked me what’s my favorite part of love, and my answer then, just like it is now, is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t like sleeping, but I do like watching the inside of my eyelids. That’s how I drive, and that’s how I… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have nowhere to go and no way to get there. But at least I’m not hitchhiking, because my thumbs are too… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be a part of your world. Or, if that’s too much to ask, I’d accept being a part of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have an itch. Wait, scratch that. That’s just a tickle that comes from being in love with someone who’s not in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My new employer made me get a drug test, so I ripped off my shirt, flexed my muscles, and said, “You suspect… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I shove them in the dryer.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I want to grow a tan and an accent, then dig it out of my garden and staple it to my naked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a spreadsheet of all the women I'd like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She told me she loved me. Most men wouldn’t know how to respond, but I did. What else could I say but,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You want to tell me what this is? she asked as she gabbed my erection. “A miracle of science,” I replied.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“My printer printed off blank pages. Is my printer out of ink, or do I just have nothing to say?” — Jarod Kintz Blank page Copy Share Image
“My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of… — Jarod Kintz Mirror Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as an inherently destructive force, if you can just get past the brick stage. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hard work sends your opponent a message. It says you’re not talented enough to win on intrinsic merit alone. I sent my… — Jarod Kintz Message Copy Share Image
“The Federal Reserve was created after a 1913 meeting in Jekyll Island, Ga that was so secret it wasn’t discovered until Orafoura… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“My name is Two Dogs Wink While Chewing. It’s not an Indian name, nor one that reflects my cat-loving nature.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack.” — Jarod Kintz Park Copy Share Image
“You’re disoriented. You’re in the future. You just woke up. You’ve been asleep for eight hours. ” — Jarod Kintz Asleep Copy Share Image
“Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“If my name were Isaac Newton, would I be a famous no name? I’d have worldwide and historical name recognition, yet I’d… — Jarod Kintz Anonymous Copy Share Image
“My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it. ” — Jarod Kintz Breath Copy Share Image
“Compact trash into a cube. Then slice it into thin layers and BOOM—you’ve got pieces of modern art. Each sliver belongs in… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“When I’m asleep I’m a politician, and when I’m awake I’m a criminal. Throughout the day and night, my mentality never changes.” — Jarod Kintz Day and night Copy Share Image
“I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My OCD governs my actions like a governor, but I didn’t vote for it. No, I voted for Dora J. Arod.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thor’s the kind of guy who has a closet full of tailored suits and colorful ties, yet never leaves the house and… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Dream nonsense: Character: Hey, how are you? Me: I’m tired. I mean, this is a dream, so I must be, right?” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry everywhere. Women tell me I love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to measure the speed of gravity, but an apple offers a tastier option. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the economic depression and unemployment at record levels, at least I have an excuse to be a bum. I can blame… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
Im bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while… — Jarod Kintz Bilingual Copy Share Image
“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our… — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
