“The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was driving to another girl’s house who’s not my girl, and I saw a red sign by the road that read,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already… — Jarod Kintz Booze Copy Share Image
“To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone. ” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Freedom isn't free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next… — Jarod Kintz Coupons Copy Share Image
“Ten years have gone by since the ten year anniversary, and I still remember it like it happened a decade ago.” — Jarod Kintz Anniversary Copy Share Image
“I want to bring as much love into the world as I can. Where am I bringing it from? I’m going to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My nose is so big it’s like a mountain ridge on my face. Ladies, you could Mt. Everest, or you could mount… — Jarod Kintz Mt everest Copy Share Image
“It takes a lot of commitment to sit on a committee. Only the most courageous could boldly command all that power, yet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you perform too well, you get punished by winning. This feeling is transitory, and after the celebration is over, all you… — Jarod Kintz Celebration Copy Share Image
“As the Hulk is green, I was bright red. I wasn’t embarrassed, but I was having a Niacin reaction.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The cute girl at the bar asked for my number. I told her I’m number one. Then I gave her the area… — Jarod Kintz Programming Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up… — Jarod Kintz Atlantic ocean Copy Share Image
“So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a… — Jarod Kintz Art work Copy Share Image
“They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When the war comes, you’ll find me on the front line, with some crayons, coloring outside the lines.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to squiggle your signature with. And while you’re in the autographing mood, why don’t you sign your… — Jarod Kintz Autograph Copy Share Image
“The engine of my car is so powerful I could wash dishes under the hood. But that’d be pretty absurd, since I… — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I got married, I could not have chosen a more gorgeous, loving, or perfect woman to crush than the one I… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I think coffee is the best drink known to man. I also think that wine is the best drink known to woman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a color in a new line of lipstick, designed to woo the mason of every woman’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Women are referred to as the fairer sex. But are they really less tan, or are they just more reasonable?” — Jarod Kintz Fairer Copy Share Image
“Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.” — Jarod Kintz Better way Copy Share Image
“I network like a shepherd with a flock of sheep. I’m constantly on the lookout for wolves, and I’m always in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to replace stop signs. Some people won’t stop at stop signs, but everybody will stop for a brick… — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“As a writer, I need more exposure. I think I’ll take off my pants. Would you mind if I kept my penis… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“My gas tank is on empty, but my erection is on full. Still, it would be wise to stop the car before… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Words are all we’ve got. Besides, of course, actions. But you can’t print out and read actions. Actions also don’t carry ideas… — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“I sing into burritos like they're microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
