“The crickets sounded like maybe in the trees. They were pretty loud to be so unsure of themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Crickets Copy Share Image
“The cheese was riddled with holes, and it was a riddle to me what kind it was. All I know is my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once met an asexual unicycle, but I wasn’t wearing rubber gloves so I didn’t even try to pick it up. Ah,… — Jarod Kintz Asexual Copy Share Image
“People are like books. You can either read them, or you can burn them. But before I try to read you, I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She must have said wear flip-flops, but I heard flippers. I might not have been able to run fast, but oh could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everyone in the world ages at exactly the same rate and time. We’re all getting older in unison.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I should make a tongue condom shaped like an oven mitt, so my mouth’s spoken language muscle is protected from hot coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin. ” — Jarod Kintz Warmer Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate. ” — Jarod Kintz Anus Copy Share Image
“What I got out of church was a love of God, and a detestable feeling for the men standing in the way… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’d like to let another person reveal my personality, and I’d like this person to be my clone. My clone would see… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That’s why men rarely say it, because there is only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can't be extinct if people aren't even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don't know.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being out in the sunlight brightens my mood, especially if that sunlight is reflected off the moon.” — Jarod Kintz Moon Copy Share Image
“Not to be conceited, but I think I made a real impact on her life. And I was only driving 45 mph… — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“Sitting on my ass all day long is fun and all, but I’d rather sit on your ass. More padding, like an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Three Guys and a Goat is not a good name for a bed and breakfast. I know, because my two partners overruled… — Jarod Kintz Good Name Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover up the bald spot all over my chest. That’s why I get so cold at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won’t put up with a woman who tries to put me down. But I might put out if she lets me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is 3:33 am plus 360 degrees plus 365 days, minus 12:34 pm. I ought to know, because I weighed it myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In high school they called me “Pizza Face.” Not because I had bad acne, though I did, but because I always wore… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“If you could smell my smile, you’d nose how bad I want to kiss you. But you can’t, and I don’t.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“You can talk about love all day, but until you feel it, you might as well be an albino under an umbrella.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Love is 90% what life is about, plus or minus 10%. Of course, I just made both figures up, and made-up figures… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Love is like a blanket: it will keep you warm, but it might also suffocate you. Also, it's probably covered with cat… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“On a scale of 1-10, fish have them. Scales—fish have scales, and I have 10 of them. Fish—I have 10, and I… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I’ll buy you a dress at half price, and hopefully half as much cloth was used and it’s twice as short as… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to… — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“I’m not selfish. I’d gladly give someone’s life, a more valuable life than my own, while I humbly preserve and keep my… — Jarod Kintz Valuable life Copy Share Image
“If I run for office, my political platform will be made of wood, and it’ll be made by the people.” — Jarod Kintz Political Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one… — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
