“Reflecting on myself—it can be introspective, depending on if I’m standing in front of a mirror at that moment or not.” — Jarod Kintz Introspective Copy Share Image
“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But you, Natalie, just might be. I’m named after my… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the… — Jarod Kintz Graveyard Copy Share Image
“As she walked away she said Thank you. “Thank you,” I replied. I don’t think she heard me, because again she said… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself,… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to put out a fire. Unless that fire is in your heart, and you simply refuse to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the… — Jarod Kintz Celebrating Copy Share Image
“If I spent ten years in prison, I’d probably come to value the small things in life. Things like good food, a… — Jarod Kintz Good food Copy Share Image
“With four tires on every car in the world, there’s too much rubber. All the Johns should take the condoms off their… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Loudness Copy Share Image
“Just like trying to ice skate on two sticks of butter in the desert, my love for her melted and was no… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like one of those wooden Russian nesting dolls (matryoshka doll). I know, because your heart fits perfectly inside mine. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I park my car in the parking spot right next to the parking spot my bed is in, just in case I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to do anything I have to do, even if I want to do it. Compulsion takes the fun out… — Jarod Kintz Compulsion Copy Share Image
“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t mock my dress. I’ve got a dance recital after work. You’re invited—but it’s bring your own erection. You can’t borrow mine,… — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket could be combined to create a blink. And a half a blink, as we all know, is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m wearing shoes made of sea foam, and I am here to seduce the elderly. If you brought the geriatrics, then I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a choice between walking along a sidewalk with no rails and a thousand foot drop, or jumping in a… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to raise my spirits. I’m feeling low right now, low by about three inches. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla… — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all… — Jarod Kintz Rake Copy Share Image
“When love dissipates, it’s like dancing with daisies at midnight, and you don’t get easy at it when you’re deceased. And make… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
“I’m a felon, though I haven’t been arrested for it. I’m guilty of stealing large quantities of love.” — Jarod Kintz Felon Copy Share Image
If you work in a hospital, you cant easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you're sick? Well why dont you… — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The months roll by like wheels on a wheelchair. Pretty soon it’ll be July. Feels like just last month it was May.” — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“I only need to write about 3,000 one-liners a day to produce a million jokes a year. Simple. I’ll just get started… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And… — Jarod Kintz Black hole Copy Share Image
“I want a piece of apple pie so large I could wedge a For Sale sign in it and make all the… — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
