“My lawyer’s name is Mr. Dentist. I have him on retainer. The police may think I’m crooked, but my teeth sure are… — Jarod Kintz Crooked teeth Copy Share Image
“A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing.… — Jarod Kintz Mafia Copy Share Image
“Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I sold them to 1969 to buy some free… — Jarod Kintz Free love Copy Share Image
“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn’t see eye to eye. We argued about the nature… — Jarod Kintz Cyclops Copy Share Image
“I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.” — Jarod Kintz Eternity Copy Share Image
“His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded,… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How to get money: earn it, steal it, borrow it, beg for it, or inherit it. So, who do I have to… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my… — Jarod Kintz Home improvement Copy Share Image
“I asked for the time, and she sold me a way to divide my attention into 12 equal parts. I asked her… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had breasts that sagged to her knees. But that's ok, because when it got cold, I could see her nipples through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.” — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for… — Jarod Kintz Bald eagle Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me.… — Jarod Kintz Bicycles Copy Share Image
“I must be pregnant, because I’m craving some strange food. Right now I feel like eating organic, grass-fed cow cud, covered with… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“-There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex. -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there… — Jarod Kintz Beautiful woman Copy Share Image
“Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“If I could die saving two lives, I would, provided each of those two people were the kind of people who would… — Jarod Kintz Saving Lives Copy Share Image
“I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to head up a committee to discuss how to properly head up committees. Our committee will sit at a round… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m about to cross a time zone, and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, maybe I can catch up… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Distributing unsolicited You’re Welcomes, it’s a thankless task. It’s almost as if people don’t want to see me at 4 AM as… — Jarod Kintz Unsolicited Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a list of people to kill. All but number 33 are my clones. Who’s number 33? Why you are, of course.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like Wednesday and Thursday, only Thursday wasn’t always on top. Her name was Yesterday, and today will always remind… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I once watched several criminals engage in an organized argument, while an audience of supporters cheered them on, but I was so… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
