“I wonder if Seal got his name because it looks like his face was mauled by a Great White shark?” — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I’ve always wanted to make love to a triangle, but I’m always two angles short. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In Bougainville, the only flower that grows is the Bougainvillea. In Gainesville, the only thing that ever gets lost are gains. In… — Jarod Kintz Gardening Copy Share Image
“If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I see a rainbow, I think of God’s promise and how He’s keeping it. Then I remember the promise I made… — Jarod Kintz Promise Copy Share Image
“Some things change, and some things stay the same. The things that change are the things that I wish stayed the same,… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery.… — Jarod Kintz Joy Copy Share Image
“You don’t need to windup the wind to keep it going. It’s the same with my erection. All you need is two… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went to a networking event once. I passed out before I passed out my business cards. My business was called Blacked… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“We made love like September swims in August. But that’s natural, because it’s too cold to go swimming in October.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it… — Jarod Kintz Benches Copy Share Image
“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“I am not the monster you think I am. No, I am an entirely different monster. I'm sort of like a mixture… — Jarod Kintz Bigfoot Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The moment I heard her name I fell in love. Of course I fell in love with the wrong name, so I… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I was a bellman once. A bellman of love. The hospitality industry taught me a lot about romance, and proper gratuity etiquette.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don’t know—I’m not Nicholas Sparks. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with… — Jarod Kintz Heart transplant Copy Share Image
“A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If footballs were the size of acorns, they’d be easy to lose in the forest. Virginity is also easy to lose in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I only had one eye, I’d look at my other eyeball with my good eye. It would be in a jar… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production… — Jarod Kintz Olfactory Copy Share Image
“Reginald “If” Ifa IV died today. His last words were, “Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“The only reason I didn’t feel like a complete fool was because the failure left me feeling incomplete.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Diversity is like a buffet, only with people. That’s why I like associating with individuals who are as close to macaroni and… — Jarod Kintz Diversity Copy Share Image
“My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is… — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter evenly on crumbly bread.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat,… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I pretend I'm from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future's like,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely… — Jarod Kintz Anxiety Copy Share Image
“Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A lot of prestigious men have passed through my office. That’s the benefit of having an office in the hall.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The very thing keeping me alive is also killing me—love. No wonder the rose symbolizes both love and death. They should have… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.” — Jarod Kintz Forgiveness Copy Share Image
“Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
