“In middle school, Renaldo was voted most likely to vote in a Presidential election. But he was the most obvious choice to… — Jarod Kintz Middle school Copy Share Image
“A speeding fine lets me know it’s OK to break the law, just so long as I’m willing pay money for the… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“I would answer the door for the pizza delivery guy wearing my birthday suit, but it had cake all over it so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My lucky rabbit's foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“If I found money, I’d turn it in—for the reward. Unless the reward money was less than the value of the money… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like… — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“There were 17 people at the funeral. 16 of them were there for a family reunion—mine. Discount space, you see.” — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Hiring managers claim they don’t discriminate, but that’s simply not true. The unqualified are constantly being discriminated against.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The baby looked at me as if to say, You never stop to consider my life. I looked back as if to… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I’ve found the safest place to store my valuables is in a trash sack. Unless I invite a bunch of hobos over… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won't… — Jarod Kintz Dementia Copy Share Image
“It doesn’t matter how I arrive at my conclusions, so long as I reach my destination safe and sound. Especially sound.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like my eggs sunny side up at midnight, and I wear sunglasses when I eat them because they are so bright.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.” — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a scapegoat. But I’d rather use real goats, because they make better cheese. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years all it did was sit on the… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That’s why I hand-picked it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall? ” — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“I met a girl I wanted to date, but she was spoken for—by her mouth. That’s the kind of relationship I could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don't come out in front, then simply… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.” — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as surely as a rich man.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“My shadow’s so substantial that it has its own shadow. It isn’t as tall, but that’s OK, because sometimes it feels like… — Jarod Kintz Shadow Copy Share Image
“Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Who art thou? Are you art, or a guy named Art? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is, Are you for sale?” — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“It’s not you, it’s me.” This line could signify rejection, or it could be something I say in the future, when I’m… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea,… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Most people fight with their fists. But I fight with my legs. I fight to stay, but they fight to run. Luckily… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin,… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your… — Jarod Kintz Body weight Copy Share Image
“In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“A hotel is more than bricks and blankets. A hotel is a welcoming atmosphere, and a place to engage in a business… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
