“I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a middle name. But who’d be dumb enough to do that, when it would clearly make… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They settled out of court. In related news, two fish fought over an aquarium, rather than in the aquarium.” — Jarod Kintz Aquarium Copy Share Image
“-I have this friend—you don’t know him—but— -Is his name Molloway? -No. -Oh. I don’t know anybody named Molloway, so that’s why… — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“It’s a cliff, and I’ll jump, Don’t call it a bluff, or call my bluff. And don’t call me Cliff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote something for my local newspaper, but nobody read it because it got buried in the obituary section.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like I ride my two-seater unicycle—slowly. If you feel unstable, you can hang on to my handlebar mustache. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“After they broke up, Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Is the only reason you get out of bed because you can’t sleep anymore? I’m like that sometimes.” — Jarod Kintz Reason Copy Share Image
“Thank God I have enough skin to cover my entire body. But just barely. If my penis were a mere 2.54 centimeters… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.” — Jarod Kintz Cyanide Copy Share Image
“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I walk like a shriveled hippopotamus, I jog like a giraffe with charcoal knees, and I run like never.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I steal cracker packets. I hoard them. Once my collection is large enough, I’ll take them to the flea market and try… — Jarod Kintz Cracker Copy Share Image
“Once the bar gets set too high, simply lower it so you can keep on hitting your goals. You could get a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Helen Keller, she just can’t see how much I love her. Also, she acts like she can’t hear my crying out for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I’m going there next week, because I’ve got… — Jarod Kintz Arctic Copy Share Image
“When you’re starving, and all the grocery stores are out of meat, that’s when you’ll be glad you’re a pet owner.” — Jarod Kintz Grocery store Copy Share Image
“Things just didn’t work out between us. Who knows, another time, another place, maybe things still wouldn’t have worked out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Parent Copy Share Image
“I wanted to say Thank You in sign language, but instead I sneezed and ended up shooting out an I love you.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What can I say about love that’s never been said by me or anyone else? Well, sometimes love smells like my farts,… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to represent the warmth and comfort of Libertarian ideals. And the world would be a better place, if… — Jarod Kintz Better place Copy Share Image
“If love came out of exhaust pipes, like a penis that penetrated deep into one, then maybe the world could use more… — Jarod Kintz Global warming Copy Share Image
“I need to lay low for a while. I’ll be on my stomach, trying not to arch my back (damn scoliosis).” — Jarod Kintz Scoliosis Copy Share Image
“Love is something to be cherished, like the toy at the bottom of a box of cereal. And just as a warning,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My rules are as follows: don’t follow, unless there’s a fire. And in that case, follow from the front.” — Jarod Kintz Fire Copy Share Image
“One thought I think every person eventually thinks is, “Holy shit, I’m going to die!” Sorry, I just turned thirty yesterday, so… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s this girl who’s obsessed with me. I would tell you what she looks like, but she’s transparent. But I will tell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The world has genetically modified opinions, but mine are organic. Taste them and you will see.” — Jarod Kintz Genetically modified Copy Share Image
“My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of… — Jarod Kintz Dictionary Copy Share Image
“The price of gold is up 14 fold since last time I tried unfolding it. And laundry has declined two folds.” — Jarod Kintz Gold Copy Share Image
“I rented a dress, but not an address. That I had to buy, though it made my ass look like two sacks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is to beer as I am to drunk. And you say I’m not romantic. Shoot, I’m so romantic I could just… — Jarod Kintz Drunk Copy Share Image
“The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.” — Jarod Kintz Childhood memories Copy Share Image
