“Do you even listen to what I say? Would you be able to listen better if you were wearing a football helmet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a handicap on the golf course like you wouldn’t believe. It’s more than a limp, and less than a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Golf Copy Share Image
“At the Peabody Hotel, you’ll find two things: a pea and a body. Was it murder by starvation? Come spend the night… — Jarod Kintz Hotel Copy Share Image
“When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.” — Jarod Kintz Choice Copy Share Image
“The question is not how much work are you willing to put in, but what are you willing to take out? Success… — Jarod Kintz Sacrifice Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t just have arms to embrace you; it also has arms that attach to the hands that slowly strangle you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her last name is Bunch, but her first name isn’t Brady. And there was a bunch of her (she was obese). Still,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I traded in my car with no gas in the tank and my new car came with a full tank. So I… — Jarod Kintz New car Copy Share Image
“The closest my penis has come to my sexy coworker’s vagina, is piss splatters on the toilet seat at the office.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Night—it’s the only thing that will cover up one of my black moods. Good thing my depression isn’t an every day kind… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn’t know where to start. So I just sat there… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many seconds does it take to win second? As many as it takes to win first—if you don’t use them properly.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and… — Jarod Kintz Shoplifting Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I eat spaghetti with my fingers, because it reminds me of me running my fingers through her wet red hair. Ah, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used as words in the saying of a mason. When words and actions match up, you have a structure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.” — Jarod Kintz Autograph Copy Share Image
“Dreamland, I couldn’t stay away, because I couldn’t stay awake. I traveled there in my sleep, at 65 miles per hour, while… — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Ask my mustache anything you want, and my mouth will answer for it. And after the question and answer session, my right… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Fear is healthy. I wish it came in a pill. I'd bottle it up and sell it to little children and the… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“If love had the texture of a turtle, and the taste of a rabbit, would you say we’re moving too fast in… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m like a praying mantis, except not so devout. And I make love like a monk in meditation, which can often be… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If my clone weren’t dead, or rather not in nonexistence, he would have probably killed me by now.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I found a pristine lake, undisturbed by man. So, of course I had to clang a few pots and piss in the… — Jarod Kintz Lake Copy Share Image
“I had no idea he thought he was funny, tried to be funny, or actually is funny until he made me laugh… — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out some doors need to be pulled to be opened. I like to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to hike in state parks, but one thing I can’t stand is pants. So I don’t wear any. My wallet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The couch was green, so I felt comfortable wiping my boogers on it. I just wish it had been brown.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.” — Jarod Kintz Lifespan Copy Share Image
“I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My fur coat is still wet, not from the rain, but from where my cat was licking it. Well, my future fur… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.” — Jarod Kintz Giving birth Copy Share Image
“His voice is like 999 one-winged vultures, all flapping in unison, while 333 horned frogs croak in protest. My love must sound… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like people watching. My favorite places are cemeteries. Tell your great grandpa I said hi next time you see him.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wheelchairs won’t kill you. And cigarettes won’t paralyze you. Stick a wheelchair in your mouth and smoke it.” — Jarod Kintz Wheelchair Copy Share Image
“If a woman says she got a bad haircut, and I agree with her, am I being agreeable, or an asshole?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
