“If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An empty bag of chips would make a great sleeping bag, if it were larger. Or if I were smaller, thinner, tastier,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be… — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On our first date, you should wear a maternity dress, because I’m going to try to impregnate you.” — Jarod Kintz First date Copy Share Image
“Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“The best way to hide a body is to convert it to saltwater and then dump it in the ocean. But whatever… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would sacrifice my life to save two lives, provided those two people would sacrifice their lives to save four lives. In… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing… — Jarod Kintz Wishing Copy Share Image
“To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“She didn’t have the body of the supermodel. But that’s OK, because she didn’t have the face of one either.” — Jarod Kintz Supermodel Copy Share Image
“If love were circular, like a yawn, and I were dynamic and geometric, like an isosceles triangle, would you take me to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the best me I can be. I didn’t achieve this through hard work, but by murdering my over performing clones. ” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“The best part about having children is being able to point at them and proudly proclaim, "Hey, I made those.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“My ball sack is like a bubblegum bubble, only with slightly less bubblegum flavor, and a little more fun to chew on.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. I took a vow of silence.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When it doesn’t matter to you, that’s where I’ll find the most matter. The pile of trash builds up just as fast… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They’ll know who the brains of the operation was when they see me smash my clone’s skull on the concrete.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A door shaped like a vagina is more inviting. Sure, I’ll come in, but not slouched over. Allow me to straighten up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the… — Jarod Kintz Bad idea Copy Share Image
“Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“The Mythical Mr. Boo has several eagle feathers, or “Freedom Feathers,” as he likes to call them, that he staples to his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad… — Jarod Kintz Bad dream Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you… — Jarod Kintz Great leader Copy Share Image
“I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when… — Jarod Kintz Falling in love Copy Share Image
“She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gather wisdom like a net gathers fish. And the more fish I get in my net, the more I feel like… — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
