“Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like saying things that are both repetitive and repetitive. But I never repeat an I love you. I repeat: I never… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge. ” — Jarod Kintz Bodybuilder Copy Share Image
“Art books are filled with interesting images. And that’s cool and all, but I look more for the nudes.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Some men might buy their wives stoves for their birthdays. But I’m not that sexist. I also got mine a lawnmower.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part of the word "booboo" is the breast. While the word doesn't suck, it is quite suckable.” — Jarod Kintz Boobs Copy Share Image
“I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time the sound of one of my farts reverberates in a toilet bowl, I think of you. Could this be love?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m going to spend a lifetime being me, so I’d better like who I am as a person. My clone better like… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“He was my distant cousin. Not only was he 50 miles away and 50 years away, but he was just very aloof.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have no secrets from each other, though sometimes I wish some things were more hidden. What’s more transparent than invisible?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I’m 6’3”, but you would think I was Napoleon’s height because I’m slouched over with poor posture, and I have a lust… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Standing in cat litter is not the same as walking on the beach. Trust me, you can’t pee on the beach.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like water makes life, and thinking about it makes me so horny I’m thirsty. My cup runneth over, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I visited my old haunt, but somehow without all my old friends there with me, the cemetery just wasn’t the same.” — Jarod Kintz Cemetery Copy Share Image
“After I’m famous, I want my statue to be made out of beige Jell-O, and I want to be portrayed naked, so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.” — Jarod Kintz Economics Copy Share Image
“I’m so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that’d be a couple, and couple’s can’t be lonely. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have… — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“It’s not gay to jack off, so how could it be gay to give your clone a handjob? If anything, it’s on-the-job… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I stepped on a banana spider today. I didn't crush it, but I did slip and fall. Then I got bit by… — Jarod Kintz Spider Copy Share Image
“In my life I haven’t done anything worth writing about, but that’s OK. That’s why I write fiction.” — Jarod Kintz Fiction Copy Share Image
“I like a man who pauses to reflect, while pausing in the mirror to reflect. I can imagine that such a man… — Jarod Kintz Mirror Copy Share Image
“I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words:… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Her mouth contorted, and the wrinkles around her lips were like the dunes of a frosted cupcake. And I just wanted to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’re all artists. It’s just most people keep their inner artist locked behind their rib cage.” — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“I know the secret number of the universe. It’s one, for the individual in search of the secret number. But the secret… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Politicians are like warts on the body of society. And the only thing worse than warts are lawyers and lobbyists. ” — Jarod Kintz Lobbyists Copy Share Image
“I am the lingering blinker clicking rhythmically long after the dotted line has been crossed. I’m the most courteous fuck you on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a closet sociopath. You can tell by all the skeletons I have hanging up next to my clothes. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Miami Insurance Agency, or MIA, has been missing in action (MIA) since I first wrote about it fifteen words and two acronyms… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Fireworks are SkyFlowers—dandelions of light. They are a visual display of the celebration of life.” — Jarod Kintz Celebration Copy Share Image
“I’ve been giving my armpits mixed signals, may they come to know peace, prosperity, and perspiration.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In middle school, I spent a lot of time with my buddy Edward. I called him Sex Ed, not because he got… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
