“If I were a hairy man, I’d never pat myself on the back, because with all that fur, a pat would turn… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the kangaroo of love. Do you question it? You can take your skepticism and stuff it straight down my pouch.” — Jarod Kintz Doubt Copy Share Image
“I’m half naked. The question is not, Am I getting dressed or undressed? the question is, Am I a half-noble savage, or… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll never go hungry, because I’m a pet owner and a meat eater. I used to own broccoli, but taking it for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My clones will look like me, and therefore I’ll treat them like myself—starting with spending all their hard-earned money. You can’t love… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I network like a salmon in a bear costume. Why swim upstream when the honeybee has all the flowers? Is anything more… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If there are #coffee stains on my @Harvard application, it’s because I was up all night Photoshopping a high school diploma. Please… — Jarod Kintz Apology Copy Share Image
“I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares?… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“With his spiked brown hair, he would have looked like a porcupine if he wasn’t in fact a freshly caught squirrel I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Trying to stay within my budget, I bought napkins instead of underwear. They’re not as comfortable to wear, but less likely to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood… — Jarod Kintz Big heart Copy Share Image
“One of my seminars is “Leadership in the 20th century: How being a century behind still puts you ahead of all your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, I used to use and apple instead of a baseball. It was just more fun to hit, and a healthier… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children. Barely. But that’s one bad thing that’s actually a good thing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don't know where to look for jobs, so I think I'll check out the unemployment office. They maybe hiring.” — Jarod Kintz Unemployment Copy Share Image
“If love were a glove, I’d wear it on my foot like a goldfish in a silver mine. Ten dimes is too… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After a shower, I like to let gravity and evaporation dry me off as I stretch out naked in the sun on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Shit gives politicians a good name. It’s the rest of the politicians who give Mr. Shit a bad name.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d say if you’re using an avocado facial mask before you go to sleep, don’t complain when I want to bring tortilla… — Jarod Kintz Makeup Copy Share Image
“I want my words to illuminate like the sun, as I give my daily lecture on photosynthesis to my houseplants.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t matter how accurate it is, just so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.” — Jarod Kintz Memory Copy Share Image
“I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“It’d be quite absurd to equate a math equation with love. But that is exactly what I’ve done. I’m giving a four-hour… — Jarod Kintz Friday night Copy Share Image
“Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have… — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.” — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“If what you wear says more about who you are then what you say when you speak, then my advice is to… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts… — Jarod Kintz Philosophy of Mind Copy Share Image
“I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His last name is Palmer. His ancestors must have been compulsive masturbators. When we were introduced, I made sure to not shake… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Instead of hatching a plan, why not break it open prematurely and use it to make an omelet? It’s just food for… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Beer has that Olympic medal color,” Rot replied, “but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor.… — Jarod Kintz Beer Copy Share Image
“As she stood in the corner, I thought her elbow was her nipple. That’s just the kind of pervert I am.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
