“If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to… — Jarod Kintz Lying Copy Share Image
“I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding gown. I’ve wanted to marry her since… — Jarod Kintz Best man Copy Share Image
“Some people work to live, and other people live to work. Then some people, like me, are both unemployed and alive (at… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I have pride in my name, because I have pride in myself. I do not represent my name—my name represents me.” — Jarod Kintz Pride Copy Share Image
“If I had a half, I’d split it in half and share it with you. That’s love. Then I’d go find the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?” — Jarod Kintz Empty hands Copy Share Image
“Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at the dinner table? I’m training for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner table Copy Share Image
“Nobody peels a banana before stabbing themselves with it. But that’s exactly how I love—dangerously. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you tell me I look familiar but you just can’t place it, I’ll tell you that with two ears, two eyes,… — Jarod Kintz Faces Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Networking without caring about other people is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich minus the jelly and the peanut butter. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be tickled by an orphan.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“I want to be a standup economist, because isn’t money funny? Actually, without gold backing our currency, it’s all funny money.” — Jarod Kintz Funny money Copy Share Image
“What has four wooden legs and hangs out in a bar? If you answered a barstool, you’ve apparently never partied with a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us, because it’s behind us, and we’re looking in a mirror.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don’t have any friends.” — Jarod Kintz Friends Copy Share Image
“I’ve just begun to scratch the surface of my talent, and boy does my talent itch. It’s like a red mosquito bite… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m so lowbrow that I don’t want to grow a unibrow, but I do want to grow a unicycle on my forehead.” — Jarod Kintz Unicycle Copy Share Image
“A priest, a politician, and a philosopher walk into a bar, and the bartender stabs one of them. Which one did he… — Jarod Kintz Philosophy Copy Share Image
“And the next morning, after a night of passionate sex, I said those three little words I knew she’d been waiting to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Competitively, I’m looking for the edge. I need to shave off inefficiencies and get rid of this Beard of Mediocrity.” — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“I am the assembly line of love. Please take off your shoes before you run on my conveyer belt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m… — Jarod Kintz Criminals Copy Share Image
“Dream dialogue: -Don’t cry. I, too, know what it’s like to be different. -But I’m not different. I’m normal, I’m average, and… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Rembrandt painted portraits, The Karate Kid painted fences, and I paint my toenails. But I’m not a snob, I still consider those… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“The ultimate gift is the gift of life. Please, accept this jug of semen as a present from me to you. And… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Last February had 29 days. It wasn’t a leap year, but me and 28 of my clones each remember that month as… — Jarod Kintz Leap year Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.” — Jarod Kintz Marathon Copy Share Image
“I haven’t the faintest idea how babies are born, probably because I fainted on the day I was born.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What I did I can’t undo. But I can address it, and undress you.” This is the chorus in a new song… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sharks are so stupid. They swam right up to the boat, and they couldn’t even tell that I was chumming the water… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“Tanks are so big and expensive they should be Buy One Get One Free. If they were, I’d buy 60 of them… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I thought orange was a more electable color, so I dyed my whole cat orange, and renamed him Abe Lincoln. I licked… — Jarod Kintz Abe Lincoln Copy Share Image
“Orange juice so fresh it’s like a straw in an apple. Change for a twenty? Five fives, if you’ve got them. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The French aren’t birthed; they’re hatched out of eggs. That’s why they make the best omelets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide, and usually is a bit hard for them… — Jarod Kintz Cyanide Copy Share Image
