“If I had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and a middle name to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“We broke up because we weren’t going anywhere. I kept telling her, Hitchhiking takes patience.” — Jarod Kintz Hitchhiking Copy Share Image
“The average time for lightning to strike and thunder to hit is how long I love. But in which direction?” — Jarod Kintz Lightning Copy Share Image
“Boob, like the object it identifies, is such a well-rounded word. It’s as if “Bo” represents the left breast, and “ob” represents… — Jarod Kintz Boob Copy Share Image
“I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I'm not fluent in affluent. Still, I’m grin rich, and my smile stretches from yesterday to tomorrow. You should kiss me on… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was recently diagnosed with dyslexia and restless leg syndrome. The doctor arrived at this prognosis after my arm wouldn't stop shaking.” — Jarod Kintz Doctor Copy Share Image
“Knowing where you come from is just as important as knowing who you aren’t. You aren’t your own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“If it’s invisible, I can’t remember if it’s there or not. And not only that, but I can’t even remember what it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He looked like a raccoon, so I told him to take off his coonskin cap. So he did. Then he looked like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can… — Jarod Kintz Reality Copy Share Image
“The only thing I have left to remember her by is the scent of her perfume. I just broke into her car… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I vote to have my vote voided—which means my vote won’t count even when it counts, and it will count even when… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The wind held the door open for me, and I appreciated it. Who knew the breeze was such a southern gentleman?” — Jarod Kintz Breeze Copy Share Image
“Love, like glue, is a four-letter word that ends in “e,” only much stickier. And I used to eat it as a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A funeral home is like a grocery store of death. Are there any discounts in the meat department?” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Don’t do something today you’ll regret for the next 10,000 tomorrows. No, you should have done that yesterday.” — Jarod Kintz Regret Copy Share Image
“When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.” — Jarod Kintz Blinking Copy Share Image
“I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it… — Jarod Kintz Olympics Copy Share Image
“Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows. ” — Jarod Kintz Television Copy Share Image
“Don't miss work and never be late. Your boss will appreciate it, and he will reward you by shaking your hand in… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s the word my soul is trying to say.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The phrase “In the blink of an eye” is misleading, because one eye closing and opening is not a blink—it’s a wink.” — Jarod Kintz Blink of an eye Copy Share Image
“His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To let her imagine how great a lover I’d be, I ate soup with chopsticks. She went home with another man, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m sleepin’ in your pee pee, and I’m dreaming of what could be.” That’s just the chorus of a little love song… — Jarod Kintz Dreaming Copy Share Image
I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me! — Jarod Kintz Mirrors Copy Share Image
“I got my windshield replaced for no apparent reason. So now I have a new windshield that looks exactly like my old… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He looked me right in my eyes and told me he just ate a sandwich, and I had to call him on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cryptozoology 101: It’s an exciting class because it’s mythological, and may or may not exist.” — Jarod Kintz Mythological Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I get depressed about my age. In March I’ll be 26. If man weren’t measured in numbers, but rather letters, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Depressed Copy Share Image
“I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with… — Jarod Kintz Black belt Copy Share Image
“My forehead is starting to get wrinkled, but you’d hardly notice it because all the wrinkles in my shirt would distract your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dressed up like a horse, and my horse-faced friend dressed up like a jockey. This worked out great, because I ended… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“After months of training, I broke the record. Then right after that I celebrated by scratching all my CDs.” — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“I wish I could grow out a beard, but my employer won’t let me. Also, Mother Nature won’t let me either. She’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
