“Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.” — Jarod Kintz Learning Copy Share Image
“To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person’s not a little impulsive, they don’t have a pulse.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t make my doctor’s appointment because I was tied up. I’ll tell you, being kidnapped can be a real inconvenience.” — Jarod Kintz Inconvenience Copy Share Image
“Keep your wife happy by living in a slightly nicer house than your neighbor. And you can do this by living in… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I wish I could flush down my fears, but I can’t, because they’d clog up the toilet. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“I don’t worry about GDP. Not when there are so many other combinations of letters to be concerned with.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your… — Jarod Kintz Bicycles Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a distress symbol. You’ll know I’m in danger and in need of rescue, because I’ll be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do onto others what others won’t do for themselves. If they won’t save their money, I’ll save their money for them.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“My penis is looooooong. Wait, I think I left off an O. Probably better that way, so I can use it as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.” — Jarod Kintz Lake Copy Share Image
“Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“You can’t believe every word you read while watching TV. (Even with closed captioning turned off).” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“My legs are so skinny they’re like arms on a clock. And the stars are like 1-12, if you subtract infinity from… — Jarod Kintz Astronomy Copy Share Image
“He wanted to pay me in agriculture, but I told him, "I need something that's going to put food on the table.” — Jarod KIntz Food Copy Share Image
“Somebody dialed the wrong number trying to reach me, but I didn’t pick up because I didn’t recognize the number, or the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were facing a firing squad, I’d ask them to hold on just one second, because I have a wedgie and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The cycle of parental disapproval begins at dawn. That’s why I have to get up five minutes before sunrise, so I can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to build a boat out of those little wooden planks that Starbucks provides to stir your coffee. The boat will… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“He’s pale, bald, and bony. He looks like a skeleton. And that, my friend, is precisely why I keep him in my… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“One clown sleeping in a car is not tragic. One clown sleeping with your wife in his car—tragic. Especially if you’re inside… — Jarod Kintz Clown Copy Share Image
“Life didn’t hand me lemons. Or limes. But staying with the citrus motif, it did hand me oranges. How do you like… — Jarod Kintz Apples Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song about the only girl I’ve ever loved. And the chorus will say something like, “I really… — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“I want a one-bedroom house with cup holders. I want to live in my car, and make the road my home.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless you’re Goliath), and I’m not ugly (unless you’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d understand if at your front door you want me to take off my shoes, but I wouldn’t understand if you asked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the most precious gift you could ever possibly hope to steal. Some women foolishly do not leave their rib cages… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The picture is bad because the photographer was poor. I took the picture myself, and you can clearly tell I have no… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I like watching water drops drip off my eyelashes. Reminds me that I’m not the Desert of Love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“Having kids and making kids are two different hobbies. I don’t have any children, but I do have lots of sex. It… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“I had some emotional issues, so I went to a therapist. And guess what I don’t have now? That’s right, I don’t… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“One scoop of ice cream can go a long way. Not to mending friendships, but it can get up to 40 yards… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
