“A brick could be used as a basketball. And when you miss a shot, you can always shout, “Brick!” ” — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The girl I am in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry, or go to Jax beach and party?… — Jarod Kintz Beach Copy Share Image
“Some wise guys came by my business establishment and tried to offer me neighborhood protection. They weren’t mafia, but they were wearing… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I’ll make a soup out of sound, and I’ll call it “Decibels.” You can get a cup or a bowl, a small… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The one benefit of Alzheimer’s is that you can keep giving them the same gift over and over, and it’s always such… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Giving up giving up—it’s good for your health. Make love like you just stole it. And remember, always wash your hands after… — Jarod Kintz Good health Copy Share Image
“The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar? ” — Jarod Kintz Liar Copy Share Image
“They should make blindfolds with circles cut out where the eyes are, so kidnappers would be able to tell when their victims‘… — Jarod Kintz Blindfolds Copy Share Image
“I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Through the machine I want access to Agatha’s mind. What machine? The Orafoura Gigometer Dream Accesser 4000 (The Utopian version, not the… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I could change one thing about myself, I’d pick a new nose, because I’m tired of picking this one. Oh, and… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I wonder if the singer named Seal got his name by using his cheeks as chumming material for Great White sharks.” — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I am a single drop of blood trying to mix in with billions of red paint splatters in this Pollack painting called… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to live long enough to accomplish my life. Being me for a whole lifetime will be quite an accomplishment.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“My cat will love you more than me. He won’t love you more than he loves me, but he will love you… — Jarod Kintz Cat love Copy Share Image
“A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Since the day I was born, I’ve spent my time being a human being, and I regard this as a good decision.… — Jarod Kintz Good decision Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My shoes are scuffed and dirty from dancing. The grave of my enemy is where I go to find my inner Astaire.” — Jarod Kintz Dirty dancing Copy Share Image
“I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I found Waldo. He was in a strip club. He was hard to spot, because he’d already stripped off his red and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I show up at a networking event, I’m like a tree in a forest. Sure, I look like everybody else, but… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“The girl of my dreams got married to someone else. But that’s OK. I don’t need her beside me to keep her… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Would you agree with the statement: Love is a hamburger? If yes, would you like to add cheese for only 99 cents?” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A brick could deliver the zeitgeist through the thick skull of a politician faster than any letter or email. ” — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“The diner was more twiner than Twain, and I found a mustache in my soup. Maybe it was Mark’s. I guess that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was forced to eat crow. I was so embarrassed that I would have eaten any other bird, including ostrich.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you’re embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had a pulse, like a heartbeat, would you find yourself oscillating like an isosceles triangle at the righteousness of a… — Jarod Kintz Justice Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can't tell you. What part about secret don't you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Me mating with a midget is like a skyscraper having sex with a cathedral. But still I’d like to try. Just not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like wearing earth tones, and ties with little shovels stitched on. I stitched them on myself.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
