“I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even… — Jarod Kintz Identity Copy Share Image
“My first coaching experience led to a 77-0 defeat. But that’s not so bad, considering I taught the team one important thing:… — Jarod Kintz Coaching Copy Share Image
“My name is Sam (my name is Am), and I am my own fan. I’m a clone of Jarod Kintz, and he… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I get along with everybody. You know this because everybody is a jerk, yet when all these jerks meet me they are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the… — Jarod Kintz Cat Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to communicate with dolphins. Be quiet! I’m trying to talk to the swimming mammals. ” — Jarod Kintz Dolphins Copy Share Image
“What I want more than a car that goes from Point A to Point B, is a car that stops. I make… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Teach a man to fish, and he can provide for others. Teach a man selfishness, and he’ll only be interested in providing… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I knew it, but I knew you didn’t know I knew it, so I knew to not let you know I knew… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was born with a lazy eye. It didn’t define me as a person. It did, however, define me as a voyeur.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.” — Jarod Kintz Honest Copy Share Image
“I didn't have romantic feelings for her, but my penis did. So what else could I do but obey the Master?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I turned my hand over just in time to avoid a slap on the wrist. I was applauded for my effort.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I sat down to think. I didn’t want to drink my coffee, but I paid for it, so I thought I might… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I thought I ran over a politician’s dog, but when I discovered it was his wig, I was disappointed.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the end of the universe you’ll find a door labeled “Do Not Enter.” No great mysteries are hidden there—it’s just a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You do an amazing job at work, doing work that is your job. Thank you for being a part of Team Redundancy! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For breakfast I want a bowl of sugar with some corn flakes sprinkled on top. Then I want to make sweet love… — Jarod Kintz Corn flakes Copy Share Image
“I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom!… — Jarod Kintz Digging deep Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If yes is the new no, no is the new maybe, and maybe is the new yes, then my answer is definitely… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing I like better than a beautiful sunset. Except maybe a gorgeous sunrise. And a naked woman painted pink and orange… — Jarod Kintz Beautiful sunset Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else’s nametag. I make love like Todd. At least… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a knee replacement surgery, to build back the wall separating man from a sub four-minute mile.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a gift you receive by giving. The more love you give, the more love you get. Try it out today,… — Jarod Kintz Giving love Copy Share Image
“I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I discovered a time capsule from WWII disguised as a bomb. I’m going to open it with my screwdriver-like teeth.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I just bought some long-lasting deodorant. You know, for the afterlife. Eternity is a long time to have stinky armpits.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't… — Jarod Kintz Lying Copy Share Image
“If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“War is fought over futile and feudal things. War is not about ideology, no matter how artfully framed, but it’s simply about… — Jarod Kintz Ideology Copy Share Image
“This is a pickup line that’s sure to not work: I want to inquire if you’re in choir or not, because you’re… — Jarod Kintz Boobies Copy Share Image
“You can’t help who your parents are or aren’t. My parents aren’t—they don’t exist and have never existed.” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went to Bath and Body Works this morning, because I really needed a shower. Hygiene is important to society, I have… — Jarod Kintz Body work Copy Share Image
“For better sleep tonight, pre-order your duck fight today. It’ll give your pillow the energy you need to power slumber through to… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
