“Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sell two-legged tables to one-legged men. This very same blanket could also teach them some Latin—specifically… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.” — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar. And I don’t drink, so I wasn’t around to hear the interaction between… — Jarod Kintz Bartender Copy Share Image
“I’m big on body language. If you give me the air hand job gesture, I might try to stick my dick in… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“I’ve only been with my girlfriend for three days, but it feels like a lifetime—the lifetime of a gnat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite salad dressing is vodka. And my favorite ice cream flavor is coffee, though I prefer it melted and hot enough… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everywhere I go, I’m second to arrive. My reputation precedes me, and sometimes it skips out on the bill.” — Jarod Kintz Reputation Copy Share Image
“A brick could be grown on a tree, much like an apple or money, so that maybe humanity could achieve world peace—starting… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m tired, I say, “I’m calling it a night.” Well, what else am I going to call it? Nathan?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With me and my girl, I’m number one—and she’s the index finger. We’re the same, but I go where she points.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ears are as blind as my eyes are deaf. But my nose, it can see the truth, except when I block… — Jarod Kintz Blind Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket, no matter how thin, could be sliced thinner, and in this way one blanket could be used to keep a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cooler is cooler than yours. It’s also chillier. My gyrations are more hip than your swiveling hips. I have the hips… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give me a bouncy ball. I’ve got some ideas I want to throw at you. Put on your squeaky shoes—we’ve got work… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I object! To shirts that have circular holes cut out where my nipples are. Even though I cut the circles in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even when we’re old, I’ll still look at you with the same eyes. (Who else’s eyes am I going to look at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.” — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“What I lack in courage I more than make up for in underwear. I am possibly the bravest coward to ever go… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“If a clock represented a pie chart, then I just ate a slice of apple pie so large it represents 33 minutes.… — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“Read people by their surroundings, their personally designed environments. Like external body language, a room and how its arranged tells you things… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should… — Jarod Kintz Good life Copy Share Image
“No matter how bad things get, just keep looking up. Just keep looking up her skirt. Or his kilt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pigs might make great pets, but they make better breakfast. I’ll take one big snuggle, with a side of scrambled eggs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed in the trunk of a car manufacturer’s competitor, to increase the odds of decreasing their fuel efficiency. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had dried jizz on my pants, so I took it to my dry cleaners. My pants got clean, but it must… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry a shower curtain folded up neatly in my wallet, because you never know when you’ll never know.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was looking for a reassuring hand to hold and steady my own, and I finally found it on the other side… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One to five, I’m not sure how most people would rate me. But I’m certainly top four to anyone who doesn’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went to visit my dad. He didn’t say a word to me. Or if he did, I couldn’t hear it through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“My wife told me she’d meet me at the mall, and I said, “Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“If it’s been more than 24 hours, you call the cops and I’ll buy the flowers. I’ll meet you at church, first… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
