“I’d rather make love to a robot than a politician, because it’d be more personable. Anyway, talking vacuum cleaners with flesh and… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If I only had five minutes left to live, I’d only be half as alarmed as normal, because my watch is five… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared to handle myself in a bar, most… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like a John and a hooker, despite the fact that my name’s Jarod. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Captain Aptitude. Well, I will be, once I get acclimated to the climate at this altitude.” — Jarod Kintz Aptitude Copy Share Image
“A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“From a distance it looked like a dog, but it was just a smashed and beaten box. Still, I’m glad I swerved… — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“I suppose Orafoura was right about the vagina. It is such a wonderful spot to vacation. I’d recommend taking the whole family.” — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Love is snowy, like the raincloud I left in the freezer. I would ski on the slope of your kiss, but I’d… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My writing, it’s all I have. Well, aside from my health. And shelter, food, and clothing. Oh, and my cat.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Love, I wrote the book on it. Unfortunately, nobody would publish it, so I felt compelled to burn my manuscript.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Knowing he’s easily offended, I offered him earplugs, rather than curbing my vulgarity. Who said I don’t love my fellow man?” — Jarod Kintz Easily offended Copy Share Image
“Thank goodness women aren’t as superficial as men. Where would a guy like me be if all women cared about were looks?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to go to the Olympics. But I don’t want to train, so who’s going to buy me a ticket? I… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have… — Jarod Kintz Spring Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket could be used to replace the words yes and no. But which is witch? You’ll have to… — Jarod Kintz Witch Copy Share Image
“If I can delay your action with my inaction, then I’ll gladly do nothing for the good of the no good.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I want to leave a legacy. I'll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of… — Jarod Kintz Legacy Copy Share Image
“I’m not going to catch any fish in the forest using a steak knife as bait. Still, I’ve got to try.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Socialism provides safety in numbers. And that’s OK, if you don’t mind trading your name—your identity and individualism—for a number.” — Jarod Kintz Capitalism Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The wall of silence that exists between us is as long as the Great Wall of China. And though it’s the same… — Jarod Kintz Great wall Copy Share Image
“Have you ever seen how fast ducks can waddle when chased? If I were to ever run a marathon, I'd model my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.” — Jarod Kintz Climate Copy Share Image
“Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a thick bumper sticker. Then if you get in a crash, you can blame it on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a good thing. Not starving to death is also a good thing. Being in love with a man named Mr.… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“When I golf, I use just enough strokes to create a masterpiece, like I'm a painter. The score I post up would… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Write your goals down on a sheet of paper. That way you can easily flip the page over and ignore them.” — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“Wine enhances your beauty by making others look at you differently. Well, so long as they are the ones drinking it. If… — Jarod Kintz Alcohol Copy Share Image
“Those responsible for our economic depression have been found irresponsible. The irresponsible are responsible!” — Jarod Kintz Economic depression Copy Share Image
“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“When I was a concierge, I didn’t want a guest’s gratitude. I wanted gratuity. A thank you and a warm smile are… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“A brick could be a columnist for the New York Times, and could even win a Nobel Prize. And why not? Is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“There’s a pubic hair in my soup. I’m pissed, because I paid for many more to be sprinkled on top.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed… — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
