“10% ago I was 90% unsure of what I didn’t want to do. Now I’m just 33.3% sure that I’m 66.6% unsure.… — Jarod Kintz Certainty Copy Share Image
“My philosophy on life: On a burrito, the cheese goes underneath the sour cream. Otherwise, how will it melt?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like goats walk on tightropes. It’s fun to watch, but it sure would be easier if this monkey dressed… — Jarod Kintz Drink coffee Copy Share Image
“I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“He’s got the curly Irish hair. You can’t eat him because he might be your father, and you’ll spoil your dinner.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“Every second is a moment before the unknown. Only the now is known. Life is a continuous known unknown.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You will know my power when you feel me compress you into a ball and bowl with you. I make love like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can do what Olympians couldn’t do. Of course they couldn’t do it because they were infants when I picked a moment… — Jarod Kintz Olympians Copy Share Image
“When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to illustrate your innocence. I can help you with that, because I brought a crayon. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We got into an argument over the color of love. I said it was pink, and he said it was red. So… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I believe there are three tenants to live by in this apartment called Life: Love is empowering, Fear is motivating, and Passion… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing that says love like getting money as a gift, and then giving it away to the needy. ” — Jarod Kintz Generosity Copy Share Image
“I just started seeing someone, which is a relief, because the last girl I dated was invisible.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe is forgettable. Only yes and no are memorable. Be bold with your love and say yes to yes and no to… — Jarod Kintz Diplomat Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to deny you your dreams. And a blanket could be used as a gateway to all your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If this book looks like it took me 15 minutes to put together, that’s because it did! 30 seconds to write it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or,… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Wealth—one billion, two billion, what’s the difference? The difference is one billion—the same difference as flat broke, like me, and one billion.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I prefer physical books to eBooks, because an eBook can’t be the solution to a wobbly chair like a real book can.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could jump in a small swimming pool or dive in the big ocean, and I’d be equally as wet. So it… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.” — Jarod Kintz New car Copy Share Image
“I want to meddle with an Olympic medal made of silver metal. I want to alchemize it into gold, and use a… — Jarod Kintz Olympic Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for a soft opening of a new casino. The softer the better, I always say. Well, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green beard, so why would you try… — Jarod Kintz Existence Copy Share Image
“Falling in love should be natural, like the food at Moe’s. Baby, I am so hungry for you, even though I know… — Jarod Kintz Falling in love Copy Share Image
“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two of them disguised as eyebrows). Women love… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I’m just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down… — Jarod Kintz Butterfly wings Copy Share Image
“A whisper is like the shadow of a shout. My shout’s a little too green if I let it grow in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family, as I… — Jarod Kintz Cowardice Copy Share Image
“Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
