“Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me's & bananas individually or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?” — Jarod Kintz Harmonica Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as an AFD, or Atmospheric Floating Device, whose sole function is to make people ask WTF? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I run a Falconi Four operation out of my garage. If you’re not familiar with Vegas, you wouldn’t know what it is… — Jarod Kintz Reign of terror Copy Share Image
“There’s a naked woman on the phone for you,” Orafoura said. ”Have my clone get it,” I said. “I’m having a conversation with… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I’ll put some ice in your coffee, to cover up the fact that it was already cold and old. I do this… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“My mother-in-law scared the hell out of me. But it’s cool, because the stench of Satan reminds me of her anyways. Hungry?… — Jarod Kintz Satan Copy Share Image
“I made an agreement with the fish. They’d give up their lives, if I’d eat every one that died for me.” — Jarod Kintz Agreement Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I’ll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“What is it about money that makes people kill for it? I’ll have to think about that next time I do it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d be afraid of a man with two shadows, because that man is my clone, and he probably wants to kill me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for a day. But give a… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover up Jude McNude. But despite his last name, he isn’t nude, merely cold. No, I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Where it was last, is the first place I’ll look, not the last place. Oh, if only love were that logical and… — Jarod Kintz First place Copy Share Image
“Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you know my love is refillable? For just .99 cents.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Feathers blowing in the wind is no more a bird than a pile of crumpled up receipts from champagne, chocolate, and flower… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousness, as I wonder if anybody can see my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The state of North Carolina, Daisy, and John Wayne walked into a bar, and I shouted, “Duke!” and the bartender threw me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a battle of believability, the winner is the one with the best body language, not the clearest logic.” — Jarod Kintz Believability Copy Share Image
“I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is… — Jarod Kintz Football team Copy Share Image
“A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Trying to learn body language in a week is like trying to master Polish in 20 hours. And come on, Polish would… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“By the time I tell you to start doing something, it’s time for you to stop listening and start doing. Especially if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Face to face marketing is like trying to dig a grave with a spoon. Kill it faster with a shovel.” — Jarod Kintz Face to face Copy Share Image
“I made plans for 8:00. When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, “That’s funny, because my sperm was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a lot of ways I am like a duck. I love the water; I have large, web-like feet; and I could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing special about politicians as people. Now as animals, they’d be extraordinary for their ability to be intelligent enough (barely) to… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, "If looks could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what is left. Nothing is left, now… — Jarod Kintz Heart Copy Share Image
“I’m a murderer. I killed the conversation. She said she loved me, and I said, “If you love me, wait until you… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“What if leaves changed shape as well as color? You can teach a man to fish, or you can introduce him to… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“Women get lonely, while men merely get horny. I should know, because I’d feel lonely even if I were surrounded by 11… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I give you an historical reference, am I dating myself? No, because the only way I could date myself is if… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
