“I thought he was a quiet guy. Then I found out he is a mute, and then I knew he was a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don’t know how exactly, because I’m not Stephen Hawking. Somebody… — Jarod Kintz Astronomy Copy Share Image
“Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“The past is always more innocent, because it exists peacefully in the unreachable and unchangeable parts of the imagination.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The first guy who beats me up isn’t going to pay for it, but the second guy who tries sure will.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve always wanted to send a message in a bottle, with my message saying something like, “Don’t litter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To save the environment—and my childhood memories, I merged a gas station pump with a jukebox. Look, my car now runs on… — Jarod Kintz Childhood memories Copy Share Image
“I hate hearing other people taking shits. Still, I’ve got nothing else to listen to on my record player but these crude… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I looked him in the eyes and said, “I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“As the sound a duck makes, I feel qualified to give medical advice. My wisdom will cost you some bread, but it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She’s tied up in the trunk this very moment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I’m having sex during an earthquake, would I get a refund on all those quarters I just put in the vibrating… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a door handle. On an all-brick house this would be great, but on an all-brick car… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as man’s best friend, if you covered it in fur and taught it to bark and shit… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a stand in for something to stand on, when a ladder’s on location in another location. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and… — Jarod Kintz Bathing suit Copy Share Image
“Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs. ” — Jarod Kintz Boobs Copy Share Image
“This is for the sneeze I lost. I won’t drink to your memory, but I will snort some pepper to see your… — Jarod Kintz Wine Copy Share Image
“With sex, I’d recommend practicing a lot. But remember, have fun with it. After all, you do want to get your money’s… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Andrew is such a diplomatic name. Or at least it is for the first three letters, as and is a word that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used to want to be a missionary, but I don’t believe that’d be the best position for me to be in.” — Jarod Kintz Missionary Copy Share Image
“A blanket could keep a family of three warm for a lifetime, but global warming could do the same for the world… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I believe two gays have just as much right to marry as one guy has the right to commit suicide. I mean,… — Jarod Kintz Assisted suicide Copy Share Image
“My skyscraper of a heart met an earthquake of a woman. Why can’t I meet a simple window washer? My love is… — Jarod Kintz Love stories Copy Share Image
“You could say my book is the best book ever (or worst book ever), and it wouldn’t make it any better (or… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Maturity doesn’t advance linearly, like you steadily and readily becoming more profound in your thinking. No, it staggers and stumbles like a… — Jarod Kintz Aging Copy Share Image
“Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap… — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“I’m trying to assess how many how manies I’ll need to start a baseball team. I need a ballpark figure.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I heard everything you said, listened to half, and agreed with a quarter. And 12.5% isn’t bad—if you’re collecting that in interest… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery… — Jarod Kintz Applause Copy Share Image
“Be proud of your work week, not your weak work. Monday-Friday you can find me working out. I have the body of… — Jarod Kintz Exercise Copy Share Image
“One magnifying glass and one moonlit night is not enough to light her ant-like heart on fire. So I’ll just have to… — Jarod Kintz Heart on fire Copy Share Image
“In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in… — Jarod Kintz Light Copy Share Image
“I could tell I loved her from the moment I saw her, right after she opened the trunk, untied me, and took… — Jarod Kintz Blindfold Copy Share Image
“A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as the ultimate bug crusher. But why you’d use a brick as a shoe, I have no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
