The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait". — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
