“The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French.” — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Eh bien! I no see not that that frog has nothing of better than another.” — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“I've had a very difficult life. Fortunately, most of it didn't happen.” — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom,… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.” — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The true and lasting genius of humour does not drag you thus to boxes labelled 'pathos,' 'humour,' and show you all the… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a really beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her; and the rule applies… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
What is it that strikes a spark of humor from a man? It is the effort to throw off, to fight back… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Nature has no originality--I mean, no large ability in the matter of inventing new things, new ideas, new stage effects. She has… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Humor, to be comprehensible to anybody, must be built upon a foundation with which he is familiar. If he can't see the… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Probably there is an imperceptible touch of something permanent that one feels instinctively to adhere to true humour, whereas wit may be… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“TOM!" No answer. "TOM!" No answer. "What's gone with that boy, I wonder? You TOM!" No answer. The old lady pulled her… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“A humorous treatment of the rigid uniformitarian view came from Mark Twain. Although the shortening of the Mississippi River he referred to… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind-the humorous. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it!.. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.” — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth. — Mark Twain Copy Share
If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than you could… — Mark Twain Copy Share
“The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and color; before… — Mark Twain Copy Share
A man accustomed to American food and American domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe, but I think he would gradually… — Mark Twain Copy Share
I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get… — Mark Twain Copy Share
The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture; he will never get… — Mark Twain Copy Share
“As far as I can see, Italy, for fifteen hundred years, has turned all her energies, all her finances, and all her industry to… — Mark Twain Copy Share
Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either… — Mark Twain Copy Share
If we could imagine such a man, that is a man who could invent the fly and send him out on his mission and… — Mark Twain Copy Share
You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly… — Mark Twain Copy Share
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. — Mark Twain Copy Share
