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Religion Quotes by Mark Twain

162 Religion quotes by Mark Twain

All Religion quotes Mark Twain’s page

A sacred cow becomes a tasty metaphor for how Twain pokes fun at religious authority. He notes that many people accept beliefs handed down without testing, and that the Church claims moral sense while God seems to disagree. Twain also jokes that God sits on coins even though he is missing from the Constitution.

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If there is a God, he is a malign thug.

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“A Church committee.”

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“More men go to church than want to.”

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Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

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“Having faith is believing in something you just know ain't true.”

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Ignorance is not not knowin' - Ignorance is knowin' what ain't so.

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In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true.

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The Bible is a wonderful book; you can prove anything you want with it.

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Faith is believing things you know aint true

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“Any established church is an established crime, an established slave pen.”

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Surely the ass who invented the first religion ought to be the first ass damned

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It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.

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My land, the power of training! Of influence! Of education! It can bring a body up to believe anything.

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Christianity will doubtless still survive in the earth ten centuries hence- stuffed and in a museum.

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I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not…

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Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar…

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When all is said and done, the one sole condition that makes spiritual happiness and preserves it is the absence of doubt.

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Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals.

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God was left out of the Constitution but was furnished a front seat on the coins of the country.

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Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion -…

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You have noticed that the human being is a curiosity. In times past he has had (and worn out and flung away)…

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“Man is a marvelous curiosity … he thinks he is the Creator’s pet … he even believes the Creator loves him; has…

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We were good boys, good Presbyterian boys, and loyal and all that; anyway, we were good Presbyterian boys when the weather was…

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It is a time when one's spirit is subdued and sad, one knows not why; when the past seems a storm-swept desolation,…

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From his cradle to his grave a man never does a single thing which has any FIRST AND FOREMOST object but one…

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“It is said, in this country, that if a man can arrange his religion so that it perfectly satisfies his conscience, it…

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Jesus died to save men - a small thing for an immortal to do - and didn't save many, anyway. But if…

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In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who…

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“The Shepherdsons done the same. It was pretty ornery preaching—all about brotherly love, and such-like tiresomeness; but everybody said it was a…

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Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of…

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“Adam is fading out. It is on account of Darwin and that crowd. I can see that he is not going to…

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I was educated, I was trained, I was a Presbyterian and I knew how these things are done. I knew that in…

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I am aware that I am very old now; but I am also aware that I have never been so young as…

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A religion that comes of thought, and study, and deliberate conviction, sticks best. The revivalized convert who is scared in the direction…

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The spirit of Christianity proclaims the brotherhood of the race and the meaning of that strong word has not been left to…

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The Christian Bible is a drug store. It´s contents have remained the same but the medical practice continues. For 1,800 years these…

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Man is kind enough when he is not excited by religion

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There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular one is Providence.

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Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool.

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Many people have the reasoning facility, but no one uses it in religious matters.

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More by Mark Twain

Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.

If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than you could…

“The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and color; before…

It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it hundreds of times.

“It is never wrong to do the right thing.”

A man accustomed to American food and American domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe, but I think he would gradually…

There is nothing training can't cannot do. Nothing is above its reach.

I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get…

The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture; he will never get…

“As far as I can see, Italy, for fifteen hundred years, has turned all her energies, all her finances, and all her industry to…

Begin with the determination to succeed and the work is half done already.

Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either…

If we could imagine such a man, that is a man who could invent the fly and send him out on his mission and…

You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly…

Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.