Skip to content

Humor Quotes by Bill Bailey

66 Humor quotes by Bill Bailey

All Humor quotes Bill Bailey’s page

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture—painful yet oddly crafted. The quotes play with absurd images, like blind mice in a pub or a vegetarian Hitler, and they poke fun at the unpredictable hustle of a comedian’s life.

Rate this collection: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

Image

Having a break from comedy is quite good.

Image

This shed does not contain me.

Image

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Image

The Dutch do have a slightly odd sense of humour.

Image

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

Image

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Image

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Image

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

Image

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Image

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!

Image

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.

Image

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

Image

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

Image

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's…

Image

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard

Image

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Image

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it…

Image

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Image

Twenty-two years I've been doing this comedy lark, so it's been like a meteoric rise to fame... if the meteor was being…

Image

My comedy comes from the actual music itself - they're observational musical gags. I could take the music away and it would…

Image

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running…

Image

Comedy is an indoors thing, so I take every opportunity to go outside. A lot of that involves finding places that are…

Image

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of…

Image

I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's…

Image

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say…

Image

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually…

Image

That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer…

Image

The point with me is that it's always been, even with the stand-up, that the music has to be right. You have…

Image

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the…

Image

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order…

Image

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant…

Image

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

Image

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

Image

The two worst enemies of comedy are lack of sleep and not having had a decent meal.

Image

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still

Image

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Image

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

Image

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

Image

“I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!”

Image

Other authors on Humor

More by Bill Bailey

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but…

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

I did a show in this tiny town called Longyearbyen. We went snowmobiling around Svalbard and saw Arctic foxes, snow bunting, polar bear footprints…

I hate getting ill, it irritates me so I try to stay reasonably healthy.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

There is something very poignant about plastic bags. These lonely plastic bags that gradually disintegrate.

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment…

I am pretty laid-back as a parent, but I do like a lot of activity. So I am constantly suggesting things to do that…

Work hard, save and live within your means.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

I don't think any comic could say there isn't a bit of them that doesn't want to show off.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!

You spend a lot more time on your own as an only child. And there's space to allow your imagination to take flight.

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

My mother was a classic matriarchal figure. She'd sing round the house and always had music on.