If you're going to act like a pussy, you should at least dress like one... Here I bought you the smallest dildo… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing… — Scott Roeben Copy Share Image
“Yeah, you were in my gym class. Didn’t you get hit in the face with a tennis ball one time?” Kiley had… — Ana Blaze Copy Share Image
“He looked just perfect to play Dorian Gray in a film version of Oscar Wilde's novel. Young, graceful, and indecently fresh and… — Sergei Lukyanenko Copy Share Image
Usually there will be a funny trend that I put my own twist on or something hilarious happens to me and I… — Noah Schnapp Copy Share Image
Understanding a woman is like Downloading a 16 GB file with 2-KbpsSpeed & When u have Downloaded 95%, U'll get an Error! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“It was a monumental achievement that the serpentine tc'a had once upon a time gotten the knnn to understand the concept of… — C.J. Cherryh Copy Share Image
It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
“The same beautiful receptionist greeted Christian who had met him before and she extended the same lush invitation as she had the… — Amalie Howard Copy Share Image
It's fun to be able to have a fun palate, and the way I say that, you think about it and it… — Joey Fatone Copy Share Image
My 6 year old niece just told me she loved me, then pointed at chocolates and asked me to buy one. ALL… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My friends ask me why I'm so serious, all I said Bitch, I just got surgery. If I laugh it'll hurt. All… — CJ Copy Share Image
There's clearly humor that goes too far and humor that is violative, and we are engaged in our humor in a complex… — Andrew Hudgins Copy Share Image
According to Archimedes' principle, what happens when you jump in a bathtub full of water? Answer: The phone rings — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
The avant-garde theater is fun; it is free-swinging, bold, iconoclastic, and often wildly, wildly funny. If you will approach it with childlike… — Edward Albee Copy Share Image
“Seeing them today… was this still that renowned Qing Jing Peak which produced countless youths full of pretentious literary airs? This whole… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled.… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Those are my influences, really. Old movies. A lot of people ask who your comedic influences growing up were, but I don't… — Cole Escola Copy Share Image
“The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a… — Dave Chappelle Copy Share Image
I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check. We adore chaos because we love to produce order. I don't… — M. C. Escher Copy Share Image
My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because… — Paul Feig Copy Share Image
There are comics who choose to be controversial, and people have to make a judgment call. You either watch it or you… — Lenny Henry Copy Share Image
We went to the studio, and she's so humble and so nice. I kid you not. I pulled up to the studio,… — Ice Spice Copy Share Image
“So where did you get your information? Werewolves for Dummies? No, wait, you watched Underworld? Or maybe you were raised by wolves?… — Krista Alasti Copy Share Image
I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then… — Shaun White Copy Share Image
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I love 'Overboard!' That's such a great movie, and it's one of the first movies where it co-stars a man and a… — Kaitlin Olson Copy Share Image
The liberated man is not the one who is freed in his ideal reality, his inner truth, or his transparency; he is… — Jean Baudrillard Copy Share Image
My mother and my father are both very funny people, and they're both artistic in their own right. Oftentimes, we get very… — Lulu Wang Copy Share Image
“I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about it's use. It is hitting below… — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
“I think we may have started this conversation off on the wrong foot," Robert said finally. In fact, if the conversation had… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
“Has anyone seen a raving bitch with nice hair?” Holly shouted at the bottom of the stairs. Everyone who heard her pointed… — Nicole Williams Copy Share Image
That moment when you study SO hard for an exam, & you readthe first question & you're Like WTF where was this… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Human brain is the most outstanding object in world. It functions 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. It functions right… — Azgraybebly Josland Copy Share Image
The tour bus is always fun, and there's plenty of time to watch movies. Actually, Kanye introduced me to the movie 'Step… — Kid Cudi Copy Share Image
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
His herding instinct is so strong that he confuses tractors on a baseball field for sheep. He was hospitalized twice. Once by… — Tom Hayden Copy Share Image
