I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
From the moment our eyes first met, I knew I'd spend the rest of my life...trying to avoid you! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions. — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“My love’s got a lot of love to give. Unfortunately, she gives none of it to me. ” — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
Well you see, Brazilian JiuJitsu Blackbelts have a blackbelt in… Brazilian JiuJitsu — Joe Rogan Copy Share Image
One of the difficulties with all our institutions is the fact that we've emphasized the reward instead of the service. — Harry S. Truman Copy Share Image
“Sam, just accept it. There is nothing funnier than penises randomly inserted in wildly uncalled for places in the sport of hilarious… — Jordan Krumbine Copy Share Image
On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should… — Kirk Douglas Copy Share Image
“Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Gus leaned back in his chair, appearing satisfied. "Good," he said. "Cause Maggie's all the nightmare I can take." I smiled. "Gus,… — Jessica Shirvington Copy Share Image
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
“... there was one new metallic monstrosity stacked in one corner that she hadn’t seen the last time she was a visitor… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light… — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since! — Bertrand Russell Copy Share Image
I drank so much beer that I feel like I can ejaculate a unicorn in full sprint. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A girl will bring you breakfast in bed. A lady will be your breakfast in bed. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Customers long to interact with - even relate to - employees who act like there is still a light on inside. — Chip R. Bell Copy Share Image
We must all learn to hear what we do not like. The question is not, 'Is it pleasant?' but, 'Is it true?' — Charles Spurgeon Copy Share Image
“I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack” — Mark Buff Copy Share Image
One's capacity for friendship, which can be developed, is basic to one's capacity for happiness. — Maxwell Maltz Copy Share Image
Every relationship starts with He/she's different, and ends with He/she's just like the rest. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We're blessed on 'How I Met Your Mother' to feel like we're doing a bit of a funny playlet everyday. — Neil Patrick Harris Copy Share Image
I am starting to realize that secured transactions is law school's version of the Hunger Games. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We are not revived because we sing; we sing because we are revived. — Aiden Wilson Tozer Copy Share Image
Yeah. Some people just don't understand when their facial hair starts to look ridiculous. — Daniel Bryan Copy Share Image
In acrylics, what you lose on the straights you make up for on the corners. — Robert Genn Copy Share Image
We are the ones who have distanced ourselves from God and then we've blamed him for the distance. — Jason Upton Copy Share Image
She takes off your drawers and works you over, she calls you Twinkles and you call her Rover. — Slick Rick Copy Share Image
Some women are so bored with sex, they only moan during commercial breaks ! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Slamming the door shut, so everybody in the house knows you're pissed off. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
