Funny Quotes · Page 833

I like my women like I like my weekend - short, filled with liquor and gone by Monday.

— Nishan Singh

Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives.

— George Mikes

One of the things you have to learn is that you don't have to have the ball all the time to be…

— Allen Iverson

Thanks for being a wonderful mother and always supporting me in every decision you ever made for me.

— Anonymous

Seeing a really ugly person and whispering into your friend's earthats your boyfriend/ ígirlfriendx]

— Anonymous

Each man must begin where he stands, must learn how to control the things that are nearest to him.

— Swami Vivekananda

HUSBAND, A sensible sort of a man -- he never thinks of romance and marriage;

— Nikhil Saluja

When I saw the monkeys at the zoo it reminded me of watching political debates on TV

— Hussein Nishah

I'm always getting a lot of second looks. People look at me funny. It's like, 'Are you from a different planet?'

— Shawn Bradley

That's what people forget about, is that when things are very, very powerful in a sad way, they have that possibility of…

— Joel Grey

First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the times that you're living in. When you…

— Adam McKay

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had…

— Frankie Boyle

“You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex." Bob's voice got defensive. "It's an…

— Jim Butcher

I mean, I'm married first of all to one of, if not the most wonderful women in the world. She is everything…

— Seal

Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking I'm gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, she's under…

— Hussein Nishah

Drinking this bottle will give you the power to FLY IN YOUR SOCKS, MOONWALK ON WATER & SURF GREAT WHITES WITHOUT A…

— Anonymous

“You know, sex at seventy-six is getting very dangerous for my health ... since I live at seventy-nine!”

— Kensington Gore

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

— Mitch Hedberg

I intend that I am learning from my experiences so that I am only repeating the ones that bring me happiness.

— Tony Burroughs

There is a moral, of course, and like all morals it is better not pursued.

— Sylvia Townsend Warner

Interrupt my sleep and I'll interrupt your breathing. as simple as that xP

— Ritu Ghatourey

Im a nawtyculturist by nature .. and my motto is I SIMPLY DONT GIVE A FUCK

— Joey Bones

Coe has smashed the world record, 1:44.92 seconds has never been run easier

— Ron Pickering

I think we should feel other people. ~ Blind couple while breaking up

— Green Monk

Don't go telling me I'm fat when you know I have abs: Awkward Bonding Sessions. -Guardian

— Guardian

Donald Trump's words are are not funny, his words are poisonous.

— Tulip Siddiq

I might be odd amongst them like a gold tooth,but like a gold tooth, I shine most.

— Isaac Buabeng

Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.

— Robert Frost

You don’t read or overhear the voice in the poem, you are the voice in the poem.

— Helen Vendler

Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.

— Anonymous

Acting is easier and smoother than singing - it's less drama.

— Beyonce Knowles

Woman say:OF COURSE I LOVE YOU Woman means:just not in that way.

— Nikhil Saluja

The future isn't so much about absorbing or tolerating change, it's about making change.

— Seth Godin

I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you difference in Irag and Iran.

— Alan Jackson

'Tis but a scratch' 'A scratch?! Your arm's off!' 'No, it isn't.'

— Monty Python

The biggest honor I can bestow upon America this Memorial Day is not taking my shirt off.

— Anonymous

I tell ye true, liberty is the best of all things; never live beneath the noose of a servile halter.

— William Wallace

At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

— Woody Allen

It's all mental management. Whether you can do something or not is in your head.

— Kris Carr

We never know beforehand how new posts or new work will change us.

— Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn