I never did any of things I was accused of. It was a total fabrication. — Kurt Busch Copy Share Image
Friends are like a voilene , the strings will break , but it will never make the beautiful music again. — Maya Thomes Copy Share Image
“People talk too much, humans aren't descended from monkeys, they're descended from parrots.” — Carlos Ruiz Zafón Copy Share Image
Trust me, when I woke up today I had no plans to be awesome, but shit happens. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The only job worse is a javelin catcher at a track - and - field meet. — Gump Worsley Copy Share Image
I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself.” — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
I'm opening up my heart to the idea of dating. It's funny - my friends would always come to me for romantic… — Olivia Wilde Copy Share Image
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, color to enhance your beauty. On his collar, color only a tramp would wear! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm not saying that I'm on some crusade to change people's minds. I'm just doing what I do. I'm a comedian, I'm… — Maz Jobrani Copy Share Image
*Son walks in on dad in the shower* Son: Dad what's that hairy thing between your legs Dad: Well son that's the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's hard to say you're a comedian because that is almost an admittance that you're funny, and if you say that, you… — Alex Brooker Copy Share Image
I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just… — Stephen Schneider Copy Share Image
Hysterically funny, amazingly talented people. That's what I think of when I think of Canada. That, and cold beer. And mountains. — Richard Patrick Copy Share Image
We must not let the things we can't do keep us from doing the things we can do. — Richard L. Evans Copy Share Image
The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial. — Arthur Adamov Copy Share Image
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Freedom must be demanded and defended, by those who have been denied it and by those who are already free — Aung San Suu Kyi Copy Share Image
God put me on earth to accompish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will never… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Being a couch potatoe is really dangerous,someone may get hungry and eat you up. — Ace Kid Copy Share Image
Everyone's sex life is funny except your own. Every person's is, and yours never is. — John Waters Copy Share Image
There are two things you never turn down: sex and appearing on television. — Gore Vidal Copy Share Image
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die tomorrow. — Vicky Copy Share Image
“All women may not be beautiful but every woman can look beautiful.” — Amit Kalantri Copy Share Image
The Nixonization of Obama has started. The Hooverization comes next. — Robert Prechter Copy Share Image
To live with God is to live always in the present, with him who is the eternal Now. — John Robinson Copy Share Image
“Whenever a woman smiled his way, she'd already begun dividing her life into trimesters.” — Ta-Nehisi Coates Copy Share Image
I used to work with autistic children, and they said a lot of funny things to me. — James Acaster Copy Share Image
Student sent a telegram to his Father: NO MONEY, NO FUN, -UR SON. Father replied, HOW SAD, TOO BAD,-UR DAD — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
