Funny Quotes · Page 814

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.

— Pam Brown

The nearest each of us can come to God is by loving the truth.

— R. Buckminster Fuller

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

— George Burns

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering.

— H. W. L. Poonja

Bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love.

— C. S. Lewis

“Words to live by: If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

— Robin Glasser

Andy: Look at our love fern! It's dead! Ben: No it's only sleeping.

— Kate Hudson

A lot of comedians are really funny onstage, but they can't do a podcast.

— Iliza Shlesinger

When we go to see comedians or funny movies, they don't address the wall behind them; they face us. This is why…

— Doug TenNapel

There is a part of me that really just thinks it would be so funny to see the 'Veep' characters in 'Game…

— Timothy Simons

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do…

— Mitch Hedberg

My dad's pretty funny. He's funny for all of the wrong reasons. The first time I did standup at Edinburgh he sat…

— Ellie Taylor

It's funny, because in drama school, my greatest strength was my range. So my early career was like that: I played all…

— Lance Reddick

Q:Whats your favorite boy band. A:I guess Boys to Men its the only one I know. But I like Britney Spears but…

— Oli Sykes

I usually stalk fans because I think they're really funny on Twitter. They don't know it, but I'll just go through their…

— Gigi Hadid

I do not use airplanes. They strike me as unsporting. You can have an automobile accident-and survive. You can be on a…

— Isaac Asimov

Consciously join with and become part of the power that is in everything around you.

— Frederick Lenz

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

— Bo Burnham

I think I've finally realized that duct tape can't fix everything

— Anonymous

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

— George Burns

The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.

— Carl Lockhart

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not

— Ellen DeGeneres

Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they wont come to yours.

— Green Monk

I feel that life is short, so we should be disciplined, but at the same time we should have a good time.

— Wyclef Jean

Don't cry because it's over. Smile & laugh because his new girlfriend looks like a horse :D

— Anonymous

I grew up with interesting and funny people. We made our own fun. You had to use your imagination.

— James Acaster

If I don't have an erection when I'm doing a drawing, I know it's no good.

— Tom of Finland

Ask the right questions, and the answers will always reveal themselves

— Oprah Winfrey

You must never imagine, that just because something is funny, it is not also dangerous.

— Neil Gaiman

Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama.

— Anonymous

If you do not want to be in love so mad, don't go wrong to gaze on me.

— Innah Delos Angeles

Time is your most precious gift, because you only have a set amount of it.

— Rick Warren

Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says 'Trust me, you dont want to know.'

— Anonymous

Honestly, I am a very funny person, and I love making others laugh.

— Nikki Tamboli

That moment when someone calls your bestfriend their bestfriend and your like , NO.

— Anonymous

Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.

— John Mulaney

He defends me, loves me and helps me…If only the people in my life was as loyal as my dog.

— Anonymous

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

— Thomas Friedman

If you really love something, you have to know how to let go.

— Kim Tae-yeon

Im gonna go take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.

— Anonymous