Robert Pattinson must be the only guy in the world who enjoys his girlfriend being on her period. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My 'check engine' light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is that we may listen the more and talk the less. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I attend the greatest of all Churches. I put a capital N on Nature, and call it my Church. — Frank Lloyd Wright Copy Share Image
I can still advocate for a marginalized community, while also thinking dog humping is really funny. — Patti Harrison Copy Share Image
What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost… — Amy Riekhof Copy Share Image
When yall was comin up did your mom make you pick a stick off The bush to whoop your ass with lol… — Dionta Long Copy Share Image
We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The funny story was that I actually quite fancied David's best friend Jerome first, and then Jerome let me down easy that… — Monica Galetti Copy Share Image
At first I thought that I was extremely intelligent and everybody around me was only very average. But now I know that… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I did a standup show called 'Show Me the Funny,' so from that I got some TV stuff and people would book… — Ellie Taylor Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you're actually telling the truth but you laugh during it, and everybody thinks you're lying. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home. — L. Frank Baum Copy Share Image
“We should change the name of AR-15s to 'Marco Rubio' because they are so easy to buy” — Sarah Chadwick Copy Share Image
When you look up 'hilarious' in the dictionary, there's a picture of you. — Jonathan Safran Foer Copy Share Image
Peace is not achieved by controlling nations, but mastering our thoughts. — John Harricharan Copy Share Image
Fight them everywhere. Don't give them a chance to breathe until they withdraw and retreat. — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
Leadership simply begins with the courage to be yourself. So everyone else can be, too. — Umair Haque Copy Share Image
Girls Sleep over: Expectation: PILLOW FIGHT!!! Reality: Pass the Doritos Beeotch — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I was thinking that we all learn by experience, but some of us have to go to summer school. — Peter De Vries Copy Share Image
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I'm never afraid to try something if I think it's funny. And I know I'll regret it if I don't. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are Laughing WITH you. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies. — Elizabeth Gilbert Copy Share Image
I'd be much more into the Gay Pride Parade if real lesbians were like porn lesbians. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dear haters, is your haters dick growing? cause you seem to be hatein on me so much. how big is it? — Cuts And Scars Copy Share Image
Is your ass jealous of all the shit that's coming out of your mouth, ha! Get some toilet paper for it bitch! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't snort, and I don't gamble. I do lie a little bit though. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
When anyone lacks self-awareness and doesn't recognize their transparencies, it's always funny. — Merrill Markoe Copy Share Image
Hit the ball over the fence and you can take your time going around the bases. — Mickey Mantle Copy Share Image
