Funny Quotes · Page 766

Everybody acts not only under external compulsion but also in accordance with inner necessity.

— Albert Einstein

It used to be bros before hoes but now you're the gardener

— Chris Time Steele

People say nothings impossible, but I do nothing everyday.

— Nate

Some women spend the first part of their lives looking for a husband, and the last part wondering where he is.

— Vikrant Parsai

Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.

— Flip Wilson

Are we done with law school yet? Seriously, we've been sitting here for years.

— Anonymous

Putting on headphones and it seems like suddenly everybody wants to talk to yo

— Anonymous

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

— Tim Vine

A soldier, ninja, and an indian were flying around in a C-130. They all decided to jump out and throw something into…

— Anonymous

My boss at Christmas was a lot of fun: "I want you to look in your pay envelopes and you'll know that…

— David Ketchum

“Yes, yes. Aim for the sun. That way if you miss, at least your arrow will fall far away, and the person…

— Brandon Sanderson

Kind of the exhausting thing about doing pure comedy, or something that's broader, is you're kind of a slave to the laugh.…

— John C. Reilly

If ur Girlfriend switches from IPhone 4 to IPhone 5 just because of an extra 1/2 inch... then better think before you marry her...

— Anonymous

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get…

— Doug Stanhope

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the…

— Maya Angelou

You are here. You are not the one who will go and come. Let what you're suffering from go and come, not…

— Mooji

You could do anything, if only you dared. And deep down, you know it, too. That’s what scares you most.

— Sarah J. Maas

The question why did you retire is a much nicer one than why don't you retire

— Mike Hawthorn

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

— Steven Wright

Faith is walking outside half naked in the rain season and expecting to get a tan. Desingol

— Mwaaba Mugala

“Now you look like someone who is trying not to be someone, as opposed to nobody not managing to be anybody.”

— Robert Bryndza

Wish I could take a sneak peek at my future and see if you'll be there... :]

— Joanne Lobedica

We are not primarily called to do something or go somewhere; we are called to Someone.

— Os Guinness

I breathe in slowly. Food is life. I exhale, take another breath. Food is life.

— Laurie Halse Anderson

Now is the time to be doing, now is the time to be stirring, now is the time to amend myself.

— Thomas a Kempis

It's funny when someone says to you 'you're hot' and all that, because I don't think of it in that way.

— Kate Winslet

I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it.

— Clint Eastwood

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might…

— Richard Carleton

You always get exaggerated notions about things you don't know anything about.

— Albert Camus

I'm in a serious relationship with my WiFi. You can say we have a good...connection!

— Anonymous

The most difficult thing is to know what we do know, and what we do not know.

— P.D. Ouspensky

A woman is a woman. A woman has male problems, has job problems, and I think funny is funny.

— Kym Whitley

“...It's probably polite to pretend you don't see people coming out of pawnshops, anyhow.”

— Dashiell Hammett

I can't take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you're coming to my room.

— Itsme867

In general, 'the market' is smarter than the smartest of its individual participants.

— Robert L. Bartley

“Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.”

— Elizabeth Eulberg

Never use grease from that container in the kitchen as hair gel.

— JREYES

Everything has been created twice once on a mental plain and once on a physical plain.

— Bob Proctor

A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

— Ambrose Bierce

You don't get great at selling in a day. You get great at selling day by day.

— Jeffrey Gitomer