“Katie purred in pleasure as she licked the beating vein in Jared’s neck.” — Jodie B. Cooper Copy Share Image
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. — Mike Tyson Copy Share Image
A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
“Yes," said Margaret, smiling. "You don't have three dead cats on your mantlepiece." Dane stopped short. "DEAD CATS?" he repeated incredulously, taken… — Sarah Brazytis Copy Share Image
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Hey, remember when you had acrush on _____ Wait. What. Pshh. No. That never happened. Why would you think that? Of course not. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Ecology is often confused with environmentalism, while in fact, environmentalism often leaves out the fact that people, too, can be a legitimate… — Frank Herbert Copy Share Image
“I spend most of my days up to my elbows in someone’s chest cavity. Really, I know zip about music." He didn’t… — Sarah Mayberry Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you… — Steven Rubenstein Copy Share Image
The state of life is most happy where superfluities are not required and necessities are not wanting. — Plutarch Copy Share Image
If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home... — Jim Jefferies Copy Share Image
They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a shitload of beer and tacos and that's close enough. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I really like my life. I've arranged my life so that I can do what I want. — Warren Buffett Copy Share Image
I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
To heal is to touch with love that which we previously touched with fear. — Stephen Levine Copy Share Image
It's difficult for me to tell whether girls like me for who I am as a person. Damn my incredibly massive penis. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Everybody loves classical music they just don't know about it yet. — Benjamin Zander Copy Share Image
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises. — Jim Jefferies Copy Share Image
“And a beautiful garden, not far from a beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect.” — Vladimir Nabokov Copy Share Image
Milk, Milk, Lemonade, Around the corner fudge is made!!!!!!!!! — Peter Griffin Family Guy Copy Share Image
The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
Muhammad Ali: Superman Don't need no seat belt. Flight Attendant: Superman Don't need no airplane, either. — Clifton Fadiman Copy Share Image
Letting your phone ring a few times before answering so you seem busy. *Hahaha this is so me..* — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
You know I only go to church for two reasons, weddings and funerals, which one we gonna have today? — Madea Copy Share Image
