Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Sister to sister we will always be, a couple of nuts off the family tree. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom. — Julia Louis-Dreyfus Copy Share Image
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Wir mussen wissen. Wir werden wissen. We must know. We will know. Inscribed on his tomb in Gilttingen. — David Hilbert Copy Share Image
As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
Just be funny. Funny always goes over well, so try to think of something funny to break the ice rather than being… — Charli XCX Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you give men a choice between two things they'll pick the first. They stopped listening and didn't hear the second — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What?" she asked again. He pointed ahead of them. "See that?" "What, the snow?" "Beyond that." "More snow?" "Stop looking at the… — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Are you mad that he's here?" Marie whispered in my ear. I shook my head while I prepared two vodka tonics. "Well,… — Tina Reber Copy Share Image
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The church is like manure. Pile it up, and it stinks up the neighborhood. Spread it out, and it enriches the world. — Luis Palau Copy Share Image
That's the only dog I know who can smell someone just thinking about food. — Charles M. Schulz Copy Share Image
When money grows on trees, you can bet there's a lot of grafting going on. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm tall and thin but not strong, so you're either an athlete or you're funny. — Keegan-Michael Key Copy Share Image
“Well. Yes. Someone's trying to kill me. But you don't have to make such a big deal out of it.” — Sarah Rees Brennan Copy Share Image
Roses are blue, violets are red, if you come near me one more time I will chop off your head! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The Security Agencies are reading everyone's email?? LOL I don't even read my own email — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Orange: Uh Oh Mario: Uh oh what? Orange… Uh-Oh spaghettio's *LAUGH* Mario: Not Funny” — Annoying Orange Copy Share Image
It's funny how we can remember all the words to a song but can't remember anything we studied — Corey Chevier Copy Share Image
All that God asks you most pressingly is to go out of yourself … and let God be God in you — Meister Eckhart Copy Share Image
It's awful knowing that one seventh of our life will be wasted on Mondays. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.” — Spike Milligan Copy Share Image
I never really considered 'Quantum & Woody' a comedic book or a funny book. I never thought of it as a satire. — Christopher Priest Copy Share Image
And a flower, doesn't even know it's own beauty it's entire life. Sad, huh? — Miyavi Copy Share Image
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
It's so important to wake up and immediately start starring shit. Stupid Twitter ruined my poo time! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If I had all the money I've spent on drink — I'd spend it on drink. — Vivian Stanshall Copy Share Image
Science has promised us truth...It has never promised us either peace or happiness. — Gustave Le Bon Copy Share Image
