When we bump into each other at the Gay Pride Parade, remember to look surprised. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.” — David Wong Copy Share Image
I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes. — Richard M. Nixon Copy Share Image
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sexually frustrated men turn into bitchy divas like that snickers commercial. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I love you,” he says, though once he’s done it I can see he isn’t happy with it. He shakes his head… — Charlotte Stein Copy Share Image
When I create a story, I can make it however funny, sad, or happy I want it to be. And when I… — Marley Dias Copy Share Image
The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have… — W. Somerset Maugham Copy Share Image
The awkward moment you think your clever enough to turn the volume up by the button on the side of the telly… — Holly Fitzgerald Copy Share Image
My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that… — Jeff Ross Copy Share Image
That's always a funny thing, when people think they're known for every little thing they ever did, and they're really not. — Fred Willard Copy Share Image
“I hate you.' My sister said it different than she said it to my dad. She meant it with me. She really… — Stephen Chbosky Copy Share Image
As a cartoonist I do what I find funny. As an editor I have a broader approach realizing that humor is inherently… — Robert Mankoff Copy Share Image
May your boss not attend the synagogue you pretend to be going to during the Jewish holidays. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The things most worth wanting are not available everywhere all the time. — Alice Waters Copy Share Image
“Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic's spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal.” — Bauvard Copy Share Image
Some say that life’s a b-ch, but I’ma keep flirting and f-cking that b-ch for her money and Louis V purchases. — Wiz Khalifa Copy Share Image
When you come to a place where you have to left or right,' says Sister Ruth, 'go straight ahead. — Kathleen Norris Copy Share Image
Why do they call it a 'Wonder Bra?' Maybe its because when you take it off you wonder where your boobs went. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Usability rules the web. Simply stated, if the customer can't find a product, then he or she will not buy it. — Jakob Nielsen Copy Share Image
Has anyone else ever noticed the Krusty Krab is located in bikini bottom?, that can't be a coincidence, can it? — Brii Ann Copy Share Image
May you be less of an international embarrassment to America this summer than the cast of Jersey Shore. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The thing about life is that no one comes out alive. So live it up while you still have it. — Nishan Panwar Copy Share Image
Learning is the knowledge of that which none but the learned know. — William Hazlitt Copy Share Image
I have always enjoyed being a part of his life. I've always loved him, and he's always loved me. — June Carter Cash Copy Share Image
The pain lets you know you're ok. It's the numbness you should be concerned about. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
When I get sad, I Stop being sad and be awesome instead. ...True Story.:D — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You take the senses away, and there is no consciousness. Consciousness comes from experience. — R. Buckminster Fuller Copy Share Image
![“The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment’s reflection to what they…” quote by W. Somerset Maugham](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/c6a/w-somerset-maugham-237_amusing_the-americans-who-are-the-most-efficient_1902021.jpg)
