When you are in the dark and you can't see anything, something is looking at you seeing everything — Zak Bagans Copy Share Image
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich...not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard.” — Simone Elkeles Copy Share Image
“Her face looked like a fruit from which all the juice had been sucked.” — Brian Herbert Copy Share Image
“Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of… — Saira Viola Copy Share Image
I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking.… — Ted Alexandro Copy Share Image
I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Café, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The whole character of Super Dave is a takeoff on people who pontificate. So one thing I never want to do is… — Bob Einstein Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A ceremony favoured in England -- it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
Why did the blonde send a blank letter to her husband in the army? They had a fight before he left and… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
What's great about having an audience is they can let you know what they don't think is funny, and you can just… — Maggie Carey Copy Share Image
People always ask me why everyone calls me black (im white)...now I just tell them its because I'm gifted — Luke Collins Copy Share Image
Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched. — Mindy Kaling Copy Share Image
The new is not revealed to those whose eyse are fastened in worship upon the old. — Albert Pinkham Ryder Copy Share Image
There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction. — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
The predation of wolves and women by those who misunderstand them is strikingly similar. — Clarissa Pinkola Estes Copy Share Image
Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Like backstage, I just peed like every 3 seconds. I think yur staff thinks I have diarrhea. — Jennifer Lawrence Copy Share Image
Make sure to stay in shape this winter since you may not be able to sign up for Obamacare until spring. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Followers, because calling them The people who are witnessing your failure is too sad. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
That awesome moment when the whole class laughed at what you said, so you just sit there like a boss. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory. — Samuel Goldwyn Copy Share Image
Never ask old people how they are if you have anything to do that day. — Joe Restivo Copy Share Image
Old ways will always remain unless some one invents a new way and then lives and dies for it — Elbert Hubbard Copy Share Image
Sometimes you just need to make a funny face, use a goofy expression, or do an impersonation with a accent. — J Gullang Copy Share Image
Boys are like busses, you wait for one for ages, then suddenly 3 come at the same time... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Waiters are the help, dear. It's like falling in love with a blender!” — Daniel Nayeri Copy Share Image
I'm actually not funny, I'm just mean, but people always think I'm joking... — Rohit Padhra Copy Share Image
