When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary. — Honore de Balzac Copy Share Image
No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
10 minutes... No text back? Looks like Im going to sleep now. OH NOW YOU DECIDE TOREPLY!? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If we come to a minefield, our infantry attacks exactly as it were not there. — Georgy Zhukov Copy Share Image
I have written much about many good places. But the best places of all, I have never mentioned. — Edward Abbey Copy Share Image
Being at home with loved ones all week has shown me how much I miss my miserable job. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Why not try thinking of your life as hilarious rather than nightmarish? — Julia Sweeney Copy Share Image
I have been through tornado warnings before, but this is really scary right now.. There is a siren, and it's really scary. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The eyes of a dog, the expression of a dog, the warmly wagging tail of a dog and the gloriously cold damp… — Barbara Woodhouse Copy Share Image
It's funny: when I go to a school and speak, and when they hear the back story about me, they want to… — Jay Asher Copy Share Image
The book that made me decide to go into Russian literature was 'Anna Karenina,' which I first read in high school. The… — Elif Batuman Copy Share Image
Three high schools. I was funny. I thought I was being funny. I just had an opinion about everything that was said… — Damon Wayans Copy Share Image
Definitely, I think I fulfill a very funny Indian stereotype because I love technology. It's something I've always been interested in. — Manish Dayal Copy Share Image
I'm so upset. one of my all time FAVORITE Bieber pages got hacked. they had over 45k. it's so sad to see… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If only forgetting a person was as easy as forgetting why I open the fridge... — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
Errol Flynn and I are the only ones left who do any good old hell raising. — Humphrey Bogart Copy Share Image
You see, money's not everything in life is it? but it keeps you in touch with your children... — Johnnie Casson Copy Share Image
Men who dont understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Some actors try to play parts and do things they can't do. Being funny is one of them. Being funny's hard. — Tom Sizemore Copy Share Image
Do you love this God who is everything, or do you just love everything He gives you? — Francis Chan Copy Share Image
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
"You learn when you listen. You earn when you listen-not just money, but respect. — Harvey Mackay Copy Share Image
Only in the irrational and unknown direction can we come to wisdom again — Jack Parsons Copy Share Image
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Sister to sister we will always be, a couple of nuts off the family tree. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Steve Kerr, now coaching Golden State after eight tumultuous and very inconsistent years at TNT. — Marv Albert Copy Share Image
Another day at work...I'm having as much fun as a colorblind person playing twister. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
