Funny Quotes · Page 467

The greater the giving, the greater the living.

— Joel Osteen

Be yourself-but don't be conspicuous.

— Fred Astaire

I never put a price on a child

— Abebech Gobena

You make history when you do business.

— Barbara Kruger

Art simply can’t be stopped.

— Anna Deavere Smith

Civilization is not and can never be sustainable.

— Derrick Jensen

Every time you think you weaken the nation.

— Moe Howard

Sh*t Happens; I mean, look at your face.

— Anonymous

I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!

— Chris Rock

I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house

— Anonymous

“It's a shame I'm going to be forced to commit severe testicular trauma upon that boy”

— Jenn Bennett

I think Noah Hawley's writing is hilarious, and I love a good dark joke.

— Carrie Coon

“Don't think about the writing process too much. Just do one thing: tell the motherfucking story.”

— Don Roff

“You've messed with the wrong god if you get keys to willy wonka chocolate factory and diabetes the same day..”

— Animesh Singh

Know more than other. Work more than other. Expect less than other

— William Shakespeare

I start writing songs first as an entertainer, and I like funny stories that wrap up with dignity.

— Jens Lekman

In 25 years: Me: When I was a kid I had the iPhone 4S. My kid:That's lame. I have the iPhone 500S.…

— Anonymous

“My eye was drawn to a bright green hue, the same shade as a poisonous Amazonian frog, the tiny, delightfully deadly ones.”

— Gail Honeyman

People on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream…

— George Mikes

It's nice to see a story that centers around other couples, instead of having, you know, the sassy gay friend or the…

— Scott Evans

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

— Daniel Tosh

I hate those girls in My Super Sweet 16 that cry because they got a black Mercedes instead of a white Range…

— Anonymous

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My…

— Mark Klein

You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they…

— Dave Barry

Don't stay watching happiness, make it.

— Nicki Minaj

Stop partying everyday ,, you will become like me

— Habibiii

Friend: Who are you texting? You: *smiles* No one.

— Anonymous

You learn to write by writing.

— William Zinsser

And how do you know that you're mad?

— Lewis Carroll

Learn to sell and you'll never starve

— George Foreman

You must radiate success before it’ll come to you.

— Earl Nightingale

Nothing works better than just improving your product.

— Joel Spolsky

I’d be anonymous. That’s what I’d do differently.

— George R. R. Martin

I create the world that I live in...

— Wayne Dyer

Discipline yourself, so no one else has to.

— Pat Summitt

Nothing about us without us.

— Judi Chamberlin

Freedom is something you have to take for yourself.

— Cory Doctorow

Gratitude is the smile of love.

— Ralph Marston

Get your egos off the battlefield.

— Charlie Sheen

Life happens not to me but for me

— Tony Robbins