There should be a holiday dedicated to all the brave people who show up to work on Mondays. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The object of Parliament is to substitute argument for fisticuffs. — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
Saying YOU'RE WELCOME so fucking loudly when someone doesn't say Thank you. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Great things are not something accidental, but must certainly be willed. — Vincent Van Gogh Copy Share Image
Do you think to yourself, 'Wow, I saw this chicken and she was gorgeous?' — Les Dennis Copy Share Image
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the… — Christian Finnegan Copy Share Image
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I've told so many stories to so many friends of mine. I have friends in Pittsburgh, in West Virginia, and in Indy.… — Pat McAfee Copy Share Image
David Letterman used to say, 'I wasn't the class clown, but I wrote for him,' and that's exactly it. You want to… — Michael Keaton Copy Share Image
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“My only relationship policy is, don’t bring your dirty laundry to work, no sex on company furniture and don’t let it affect… — Paula Graves Copy Share Image
“He laughed. "That's funny, 'I don't have any fire.' Everybody's got fire, kiddo. It's just a matter of finding the match that… — Charles R. Smith Jr Copy Share Image
Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
