Funny Quotes · Page 344

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness room to develop

— H. L. Mencken

“How much did bro tell you?" "Bro?" "The White King.”

— Samantha Young

A lot of funny stuff happens in Canada.

— Samantha Bee

Where the hell is Australia anyway?

— Britney Spears

In a life properly lived, you’re a river,

— Jim Harrison

It is better to confess ignorance than provide it.

— Homer Hickam

Everything always happens for a reason.

— Eminem

The eyes of love see all of us as one.

— Bill Hicks

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

— Dave Barry

If beer pong was one of the event in the Olympics, I would get gold for sure.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny.

— Dave Barry

Juno showed me that speaking in cute lingo can negate the horrifying chaos of an unwanted pregnancy.

— Anonymous

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

— Lauren Myracle

I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school.

— Tom Segura

There are two greatest days in a guys life… The day he was BORN… and the day he discovered PORN...

— Green Monk

I sometimes find that in interviews you learn more about yourself than the person learned about you.

— William Shatner

I was, like, this token teen angst child of Broadway. It's so funny. What is that? I don't even know. But I…

— Jennifer Damiano

Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most…

— Sarah Silverman

“My phone buzzed in the center console again. "What's happening with this thing?" Dad grabbed it. "Dad, really?" I didn't want him…

— C.D. Reiss

If mom was here she would be subtweeting all over the place stuff like : who's gonna buy groceries : who's gonna…

— Nikhil Saluja

I wrote the word debauchery, but when I re-read it, I thought I had written douchebaggery. Both words would work...

— Anonymous

My phone is like my lover…its the last thing I see at night , and the first thing I wake up to…

— Anonymous

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was handsome I would have exactly one dollar...Thanks mom!!!!

— Kevin McCarty

“Peaches found herself wondering if Mary, a tiny brunette with an unprepossessing manner and less than ‘stellar’ work ethics, had to play…

— A.T. Hicks

If everything goes right then I can get going.

— Lionel

Things do not exist until they begin to appear.

— Humberto Maturana

We can live in fear or act out of hope.

— Bonnie Raitt

Cripple jokes are so mean, I can't stand them!

— Anonymous

“When he grew up, he wanted to be like Charles.”

— Patricia Briggs

Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime.

— Dean Martin

Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues.

— Albert Collins

Learn how to learn, then learn what to learn

— Robert Kiyosaki

The place of charity, like that of God, is everywhere.

— Francis Quarles

You: Go to hell. Me: I go on vacations there.

— Babloo

All works of love are works of peace.

— Mother Teresa

Nothing can be truly great which is not right.

— Samuel Johnson

Film is a collaborative business: bend over.

— David Mamet

Our directives must be reassessed.

— Kane

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

— Ellen DeGeneres

We have to learn everything we do.

— Philip Pullman