Funny Quotes · Page 335

Finding the funny is the key to never losing your edge

— Marie Forleo

What did the president know, and when did he know it?

— Howard Baker

We’re more than just our dresses.

— Reese Witherspoon

I'm really missing my ex today and I don't know why..

— Anonymous

Nothing is so well learned as that which is discovered.

— Socrates

Don't go through life, grow though life

— Eric Butterworth

If you forgo your plan, you also have to forgo fear.

— Eric Schmidt

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

— Henny Youngman

I dont have commitment issues, I been buying the same brand of whiskey for 8 years

— Nikhil Saluja

All these killings needs to stop. Lets just fight over internet with CAPS ON.

— Green Monk

Checking the fridge every 10 minutes to see if food magically appeared

— Anonymous

My friends are getting married. I'm getting drunk. I think we know who the real winner is.

— Anonymous

To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.

— Oscar Wilde

If youth but had the knowledge and old age the strength.

— French Proverb

If any QB can complete passes to himself, it's Johnny Manziel.

— Jon Gruden

“I passed out from stress? That’s it?” “I believe the princess term is fainted,” said Thorne.”

— Marissa Meyer

Anything that gets you to release the stress in your life and really laugh is worthwhile. It can heal the planet. It…

— Lucie Arnaz

There was one rumor that I saw in a magazine saying I was pregnant. I thought that was brilliant and it still…

— Robert Pattinson

“Julian smiled back, his full lips pulled back over white teeth as he rolled the blanket back a little bit. “Is he…

— Hazel Blackthorn

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his…

— Tommy Cooper

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and…

— Amy Schumer

If you have achieved any level of success, then pour it into someone else. Success is not success without a successor.

— T. D. Jakes

I LOVE EVERYONE...SOME I LOVE TO BE AROUND, SOME I LOVE TO AVOID...AND SOME I WOULD LOVE TO PUNCH ON THEIR FACE...!!…

— Anonymous

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles…

— Henny Youngman

Im not an Athlete, Im a ballplayer

— John Kruk

You can not kill that which is already dead.

— The Undertaker

“Funny how everything can change in an instant.”

— Megan Miranda

Sandpaper? You mean toilet paper.

— Nikhil Saluja

Everything is interwoven, and the web is holy.

— Marcus Aurelius

People who can’t see without glasses should wear them.

— Malcolm Forbes

Peace is the time it takes to reload your rifle.

— Bob Dylan

Any more would have been less.

— Artie Shaw

If you act enthusiastic, you'll be enthusiastic!

— Dale Carnegie

Success is always less funny than failure.

— Jon Ronson

I love you like a little kid loves to eat glue.

— Anonymous

You can't upset me, I'll have to care first!

— Mariamaziy

Hold what you've got and hit them where you can.

— Ernest King

To know one's Self is to be blissful always.

— Ramana Maharshi

The awkward when you realize you just said moment.

— Anonymous

How can I see the future if it didn't already exist?

— Clyde Bruckman