Funny Quotes · Page 325

Keep praying, even if you have only a whisper left.

— Yasmin Mogahed

Im liveing prof that blonds can bee smarrt!

— Anonymous

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

— Phyllis Diller

I'm always available to discuss your problems via text.

— Anonymous

Autocorrect ain't nothing to duck with.

— Anonymous

Another day gone and no jokes.

— Flann O'Brien

You sit better on a colour that you like

— Verner Panton

It is through others that we become ourselves.

— Lev S. Vygotsky

You know you've had enough coffee when you can thread a sewing machine ...while it's running!

— Green Monk

Being the 1% of the population that doesn't receive a cute morning text.

— Amit Verma

Freedom is the disappearance of that which is searching for freedom.

— Adyashanti

You know how you can tell that you're getting really old? Nobody says the word 'death' around you anymore.

— M. Emmet Walsh

We serve a God who is waiting to hear from you, and He can't wait to respond.

— Priscilla Shirer

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

— Steven Wright

“All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.”

— Carl White

“Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos.”

— Delian Zahariev

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less…

— P. J. O'Rourke

I love the ones who are in my life and make it amazing. I also love the ones who left my life…

— Anonymous

When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.

— Baron Barnett Joel Barnett

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

— Robin Williams

I long for the day when we can all be ourselves, whoever we are, and express ourselves in whatever way we like,…

— Cressida Dick

When you are 15, everything is such high stakes, even tiny things. I think because of that, it is funny but sad…

— Sophie Wu

“Scheide,'Noah said. I decided to give the drink another shot. 'What does that mean?' I asked, then sipped. 'Vagina' I almost choked,…

— Michelle Hodkin

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're…

— Frankie Boyle

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

— Homer

I have always known a thing before it happens.

— Amy Tan

“These are the best things I've ever had in my mouth!”

— Mora Early

Live daringly, boldly, fearlessly.

— Henry J. Kaiser

“Polly Esther Doe was born at 8:03 a.m. on August 14.”

— Adam Rex

Discord oft in music makes the sweeter lay.

— Edmund Spenser

Today's forecast calls for near record swamp ass.

— Anonymous

“Hope is just stubbornness with better PR.”

— Janus Lucky

Who are the militia? Are they not ourselves?,

— Tench Coxe

An illusion dissipated is an experience gained.

— Christian Nestell Bovee

Making a tour of you house while on the phone.

— Anonymous

We don't do what we know is wrong.

— Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Here's my rule about shoes, buy them.

— Rachel Zoe

I have been photographed to death

— Marlene Dietrich

I thought I was funny as a kid.

— Jo Brand

'You can't see me'? What are you playing? Peekaboo?

— Dwayne Johnson