Funny Quotes · Page 324

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

— Steven Wright

We don't need no thought control.

— Roger Waters

What is easiest to see is often overlooked.

— Milton H. Erickson

When you ain’t got no money, you got the blues.

— Howlin' Wolf

Anything will lase if you hit it hard enough.

— Arthur Leonard Schawlow

If money doesn't change you, you're an idiot.

— Green Monk

The world knew you before you knew the world.

— Annie Dillard

“She is funny without ever being mean.”

— John Green

“Fuck all of you," John retorded. "You don't even exist. We're all just a figment of my cock's imagination.”

— David Wong

Why was six afraid of seven, because seven was a registered felon.

— She's_gone

I have decided to take whatever my disease can throw at me,

— Christopher Hitchens

I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum.

— Roddy Piper

“I didn't actually know what regret tasted like—but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk.”

— Angela N. Blount

I think the second you think that you're funny is when you stop being funny.

— Mila Kunis

The thing about faith is that you have to have it before you need it.

— Rich Wilkerson Jr

I bet if there were death panels, its members would take Grandparents Day off.

— Anonymous

“El Paso,” Andrej echoed slowly. “You do know there’s nothing in El Paso but dust, heat, and illegal aliens, right?”

— J. Fally

All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by…

— Dave Barry

During college is when I started really watching 'SNL' consistently. Every Saturday night, I watched, and it made me be like, Man,…

— Quinta Brunson

Tum aasmaan me hoTum zameen par hoTum pani me hoTum hawa me hoTum meri rooh me hoTum mere haatho me hoTum mere…

— Aakash Pattanayak

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We've all got problems. The levels…

— Kevin Hart

Funny bones, to me, are more important than funny lines. If a comedian is just not likable and doing the lines, you…

— Ricky Gervais

I am a great believer that your humor is developed at a very early age, and it doesn't ever change. You're basically…

— James Bobin

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should…

— Frank Carson

We're only at the beginning of what we have to do here.

— Bill Gates

There is a God, even in Hollywood.

— Jean Harlow

If you feed your confidence, you'll starve your

— Anonymous

He, who can create, abhors destruction.

— Alphonse de Lamartine

What you are looking for is what you are looking with.

— Ernest Holmes

A man needs a woman like a dick needs a blowjob.

— Nikhil Saluja

I can't bare you when you're not amusing.

— Evelyn Waugh

Just write every day of your life. Read intensely.

— Ray Bradbury

I have a smart phone with a dumb battery

— Anonymous

I've busted a million Europeans

— Phil Hellmuth

The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!

— Jerry Coleman

Anything for gold and experience.

— China Mieville

Nature knows best how to organise.

— Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Dear Math, I'm tired of trying to find your

— Author Name

We integrate the good wherever we find it.

— Tariq Ramadan

I'm not an optimist but hopefully one day I will be.

— Nikhil Saluja