Funny Quotes · Page 302

I totally understand O.J., I get it.

— Hulk Hogan

Those who are late will be punished by life itself.

— Mikhail Gorbachev

The awkward moment when a teachers a** is in your face

— Inknown

Dance like nobody's looking.

— Mark Twain

You are the one that you are looking for.

— Audre Lorde

We can build a better product than Linux,

— Jim Allchin

Work hard at work worth doing.

— Theodore Roosevelt

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

— Demetri Martin

Sometimes I like to be a bit Romantic, that's why I light up a couple of scented candles when I masturbate.

— Green Monk

If she want dem heels...she better...STD aka Suck This Dick...lol...I call dat head ova heels

— IG:caonte_2_funny

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

— Woody Allen

Don't fail to do something just because you can't do everything

— Richard Stearns

I'd rather be called 'Sleazy' than to be identified as intelligent.

— Phil Donahue

Facebook is the second popular word that begins with F and ends with K

— Anonymous

Dear Google Maps, your estimated time of arrival is my time to beat.

— Anonymous

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

— Tim Vine

“Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma…

— Brett Tate

Doing actual comedic material is just about the most joyful endeavor ever. That's the truth. The only time it's not funny is…

— Julia Louis-Dreyfus

“Now that's a sight for sore eyes, Sebastian. Maybe I should just leave you here: the hotel maids might appreciate that. Or,…

— Jane Harvey-Berrick

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's…

— Adam Carolla

I'm sure all actors have trouble. The guy who always plays the funny guy, he wants to be taken seriously. And there's…

— Jason Momoa

“Oh, Jack, look how beautiful. Jack, look how darling that monkey is. It was like going camping with Merry Little Sunshine.”

— Cindy Roland Anderson

I recently spent quite a bit of time in Sheffield, England, which is where I'm from. I wouldn't move back there, but…

— Jarvis Cocker

Bernardo Silva and I have a relationship for a long time, we are from the same generation at Benfica, we have a…

— Joao Cancelo

Water is the best of all things.

— Pindar

It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep

— Karl Pilkington

Is funny how money changes situation

— Sniper

What do you expect me to do? Sleep alone?

— Elizabeth Taylor

I once made a Palm tree joke it's now out of date.

— Nikhil Saluja

We often need to be refreshed.

— Rumi

Trust happens when leaders are transparent.

— Jack Welch

No one ever swung too slowly.

— Bobby Jones

Are you a Tigger or an Eyore?

— Randy Pausch

I’ve never seen anyone rehabilitated by punishment.

— Henry Lawson

Needing nothing attracts everything.

— Russell Simmons

What a great privilege it is to be here

— Bonnie L. Oscarson

When I say 'God' it is poetry and not theology

— John Haynes Holmes

Your guess is as good as mine.

— Bonnie Lowenthal

You can’t have wasted a life you’ve barely lived.

— Magnus

Life will pay any price you ask of it.

— Tony Robbins