Let's make this a special Father's Day by getting together to violently root against the Miami Heat. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it. — Dave Chappelle Copy Share Image
I respect whoever created woman in the army, women on their period with weapons... GENIUS!! — Noor Copy Share Image
We have had to learn that history is neither a God nor a redeemer. — Reinhold Niebuhr Copy Share Image
At least not having an office window means you'll never know how nice it is outside.. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Don't get jealous when you see your ex with someone else because we were always told to give our toys to the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The one continuing problem in my life has always had the shape of just one question: What amusing thing can I do… — Evalyn Walsh McLean Copy Share Image
“In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in… — Reductress Copy Share Image
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
The Florida Gator head is long and funny looking. It scrapes my nose. Every time I put that thing on I get… — Lee Corso Copy Share Image
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as… — Brian Kernighan Copy Share Image
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic."… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
