Funny Quotes · Page 179

They never die, who have the future in them.

— Meridel Le Sueur

To understand something is to be delivered of it.

— Baruch Spinoza

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

— Phyllis Diller

Failure is nothing more than learning how to win.

— Robin Sharma

There is no rampart that will hold out against malice.

— Moliere

It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.

— Derek Rae

Dancing is the way I move through this crazy life.

— Ewshy

Words divide, pictures unite.

— Otto Neurath

Live authentically. Live your truth. And if you love me for anything, love me because I live mine.

— Neale Donald Walsch

Comic Sans walked into a bar. The bartender frowned and said, We don't serve your type here.

— Green Monk

The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs :)

— Nate

Girl: On a scale from 1 to 10, how pretty do you think I am? Boy: 9 Girl: Why?? Boy: Because I'm the 1 for you

— Anonymous

Wowie zowie, love me do. Wowie zowie, and I'll love you, too.

— Frank Zappa

Blessed are those who are so naive that they do not know what they cannot do.

— Alan Cohen

When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her.

— Michel de Montaigne

I take my pet lion to church ever Sunday. He has to eat.

— Marty Pollio

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with…

— Emo Philips

“I mean, I don’t want to pass judgment—I just wish my husband didn’t shoot deer.” “Oh, Mel, don’t worry. I’ve been hunting…

— Robyn Carr

“The man persisted. "No, no, no. It was so funny. What software did you use?" - apparently in the belief that the…

— David A. Price

All people go through moments that are tough, but looking at them through comedy is so fun. You can look at anything…

— Helene Yorke

The neighborhood grocery clerk asked for my picture. Does this mean I can no longer wear pajama bottoms when I grocery shop?

— Carly Rae Jepsen

You initially become funny as a kid because you're looking for attention and love. Psychologists think that's all to do with mother…

— Eric Idle

I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's…

— Bill Bailey

I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a…

— Ellen DeGeneres

If you think you can't, why think

— Dee Hock

I'll save that for Mrs. Battier.

— Shane Battier

I certainly dont have any airs about myself.

— Jamie Farr

“I've had years to see the funny side.”

— Derek Landy

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

— Milton Berle

If you don’t jump, the wings never come.

— Bruce Coville

Don't expect others to do your work for you.

— William Safire

That was in the past - we're in the future now.

— David Beckham

My Ex-Wife was very hot. She died in burning car.

— Nikhil Saluja

I know, I've never had boobs before!

— Olivia Wilde

If we don’t cannibalize ourselves, someone else will.

— Steve Jobs

My statements are just a statement of fact.

— Nancy Pelosi

I cannot do it without comp[u]ters.

— William Shakespeare

What God cares about most is that we are His friends.

— Pope Francis

When we believe it, we will see it!

— Dewitt Jones

Art without knowledge is nothing!

— Jean-Pascal Mignot